High winds blow across hills that hold our secrets safe,
but they are not sound
They are coming up wih the sun
breaking upon your face
awakening your eyes
But even the strongest secrets will stay buried
beneath the dirt,
awaiting an unexpected breeze to pull them from their roots
Shattering the ground you walk on
we all walk on
The moon keeps a watchful eye upon them
whispering to the stars
awaiting their arrival
To scatter you silently
shake you kindly
then sing you to sleep
I hope you think of me
Our secrets are chilling,
only an icy snow could jolt them awake
Freezing them into the ground forevermore
We are hopeless of a breakthrough
Dying but still gasping
Lifelessly we walk across this ground,
undoubtedly we are breathing
drifting right along with them
sighing into the milky twilight
Grateful for the frost that keeps up safe
at least for one more year
Frostbitten noses and numb interlocked hands
We are the dancing dead

I showed you my town, you showed me your heart

I have come a long way since July 28, 2011, which is the last post I made on this thing. That post was riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. I now have gained a fresher, clearer perspective on all things dealing with love and life. Much of this discovery is actually due TO the anxiety ridden and uncertainty filled nights I spent alone my first few weeks in Georgia. I completely and absolutely believe that if I had not been to that dark place, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine that I am reveling in now. There was a time when I believed prayers were falling on deaf ears, but now with cigarette in hand (i know, i knooow) on my porch, typing this as we speak, with a Carrie Bradshaw Sex in the 'Ville sassiest of approaches, I know better.

I owe all of this clarity to the people in Georgia(Kaylie, Carie, Casie, and others) that I have come to love so much that it feels my heart may burst at times (and yeah, brightly colored confetti would float forth), that have listened to me bitch and moan about life, and waiting, and doubt, and actually listened. I owe it to the friends back in Tennessee that have also done the same thing, that have stuck around, that never left, that have called me before I called them, that have skyped with me at midnight. To my parents for their constant and unwavering support, encouragement, and love. I owe it to the boy who showed me that I am a beautiful human being, makeup or no makeup, inspiration or no inspiration, who drives me to become a better woman, who showed me that some of them are different, and that he is the best one out there. I owe it to the mountains and their everchanging leaves, for reminding me life is not just about getting shit done, and to BREATHE. Most importantly, I owe it to God, for answering my prayers, for listening. For being constantly present even when I can't feel it, for pouring out these undeserved blessings on a girl who is just trying to make it through the day most times.

I know that there will be days, that I dont see this side of life. Hell, just look at my recent writings, but for now I am savoring every single drop of this happy-go-lucky attitude, this life, this love, this passion.






Here's to the good times, baby.

rainy thoughts, rainy night

I wanted to write, and then I didn't want to write. Today has been a strange day, as all of my other days in Milledgeville have been. I have to give today what it is due, and that is some literary dissection.

My day started out with a sense of urgency, with a side of forgetfulness, and a lot of stoicism. I just sat outside on my porch and watched the day float by. I witnessed the sun show attention to the better half of my backyard, watching the silhouette of my house grow larger and larger. It was almost like it was taking over me, overwhelming me by the minute. I felt sadness for a close friend, gratefulness for what I have been given, fear and uncertainty for the future, confusion as to where I am now. It feels like I have been in interim for almost a year, and in a way, I have been. Waiting to be accepted, waiting to transfer stores, waiting for school to start, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Every night I am overcome with a feeling of gratitude for my parents. I think being hours away from them really makes you realize how lucky you are to have individuals who unconditonally love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, and are proud of you no matter what. Do people realize that it is a blessing to have loved ones even wake up in the mornings?

After sinking into my thoughts for a while, I decided I was going to make the most of the day. Today was the day I was going to see Flannery O'Connor's grave. FINALLY. My friend Casie and I had only been planning it for like the past five days. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed over to her house, which is ridiculously easy and hard to find all at the same time. We drank wine out of hot tea cups and swayed back in forth on her porch in the midst of conversation inspired by sunset and the relentless rain; talking about art, and love, and passion. Finally, the rain let up and we started our walk to Flannery. I don't think I was fully prepared for the feeling that was making its way toward me. Standing at the bottom of Flannery's grave, I almost felt speechless. It isn't something I can verbalize, still, hours later. It felt so unreal just standing there, knowing she was a few feet away from me. This woman, that I'd come to know through her writings...this woman that had inspired me and led me to this town, and this school. I wish I could find the words, but I am at a loss. I must find a peacock feather and take one to her. I'm sure she misses her peacocks.

The end of the night was compiled of coffee, chocolate, and more conversation. I'm looking forward to becoming closer to Casie. I think she will bring out the artsy side of me, which unfortunately takes a little bit of pushing.

Here's to the final episode of My So-Called Life, which I am about to watch right now. So long to the 15 year old me, that is still searching inside 24 year old me.

(untitled)

For some reason, being in Georgia is making me feel like shit. I feel like I'm on a never-ending vacation, and that is unsettling. Things with school are harder to come by than they are easy, not that I'm expecting easy...but, does it have to be this damn hard? How many setbacks does it take to make you realize, that maybe, this isn't what is supposed to be happening right now? I'm going stir crazy in this little apartment. I love my apartment, but I know no one here. Work is strange and it's hard to adjust. Maybe having Cody down this weekend will ease my mind.

i didnt know if you wanted to, but i came to pick you up, you didnt even hesitate, now you and me are on our way

This whole week has been so...refreshing. It's brought me back to life in a way. I was stuck in a rut. I get in those a lot. That's the thing about me.

This past week has brought me back to that loving place. Loving life and the small intricate details that go along with it. I officially turned in my application to GCSU yesterday. Totally unplanned. I was meaning to only finish one of the two short essays, but I was in the unexplainable dreamy state of writing, so I kept going...and going...and going. And voila! Two finished essays, revised, edited, and ready to send in. Clicking the submit button made my heart race. It just feels a bit unreal. The whole really transitioning into the next level, stage, whathaveyou, of life feeling. It's really happening. I'm stepping out. Now I've got a month or so to be walking out on that tight rope, ready to lose my balance and fall at any minute. Here's hoping.

It was crazy, because, during prayer today after realizing how much it's going to cost me (hopefully not) to actually go to this school, I was praying feverishly to God. "How am I gonna pay for this? I'll be damned if I pay THAT much for a two year education...I'm not gonna put that on myself, better yet my dad. That burden. There's just no way in hell." In the middle of all of this I felt something rising up quickly, about to reveal itself...and I kept going...and sure enough:

"Brittani. I've got this."

I know You do, God. But you're gonna have to remind me of it everyday. And I know You will. But will You give me the ears to listen? And the eyes to see? I sure have a bad habit of hearing and seeing what I want to, ya know...

Coffee is brewing and I've got a few lists to make out before work this evening.

Good day to you. <3

there's always someone throwin' matches around.

"It is not Christlike to shrink in subservience or cower in insecurity. Some women wait indefinitely for a man, another woman, anyone else to fix things, start things, dream things. She doesn't acknowledge her intellect or her ability to implement it. There is no sense of initiative, no stirrings of vision. Had this been Tamar's position, she would've died a widow in her father's house, having no part in the lineage of Christ. Through her story, I am inspired with challenge and resolve. Some of us need to hand over the helpless card and stand on the two good legs God gave us. It's time to activate our smarts and instead of waiting for a solution, become the solution."

"While the devil keeps women sidelined with insecurity and complacency, every soul awaiting our intervention suffers--our children and husbands, the poor and oppressed, our local and international community. We are the answer to so many problems, sisters, yet scores are unwilling to fight."

"I assumed that if God was that clear, I better just do it and let Him worry over the impossibilities. Faith is rather dumb like that."

It is high time I take back what was taken from me. Taken from me with my permission, but nonetheless taken. Robbed. It is time for the tape to come off of my mouth. Time for the dreams to awake me in the mornings again with a new sense of direction and hope. Time to be the girl I was before all of this nonsense convinced me otherwise. There is a world out there with people who need me to be fully and wholly me. It is time to regain consciousness. It is time. Armed with a most powerful force, we are unstoppable. Let the rain come and wash it all away.

Reckless

reck·less

–adjective

1.

utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless (usually fol. by of ): to be reckless of danger.

This word perfectly describes me on this past Sunday. I was completely and incredibly reckless. I regret being this way, but am so thankful for the difference that I learned between reckless and free-spirited on that day. You see, before Sunday, I thought these two intertwined into one meaning. I was so wrong.

I am signed up for these letters from Ransomed Heart, a ministry that John Eldredge (favorite writer) and his wife dedicate their lives to. These letters are my lifeline each month. Every one that I open up is like a best-kept secret. After I read these letters, I feel like I've gained a new piece of knowledge that I didn't know before. They really do make my days and my overall life better. They are brilliant, adventurous people who are so in love with God.

So, one day, I receive my usual monthly letter from them... except, this letter was different. This letter felt like I hit the jackpot, man. What it held was so dear and spoke directly to MY heart. It felt like it was written just to and for only me. It was that tailor-made. It spoke of how God writes desires on our hearts, and how He TRULY wants us to be happy. It said that we should do things that make us happy, because those things bring us closer to God. I was SO ecstatic to read this because for MONTHS my head and heart have been arguing on right and wrong, so forth and so on. So, finally, here's my answer... Do what makes me happy! I couldn't be more stoked on life. So each day, I would do things that would make me happy... and by little and little, they did bring me closer to God, because afterall, I was fulfilling desires that HE had written on my heart. I started with little things... making my very first pitcher of sweet Southern tea, doing something totally unexpected, sitting out on my swing at night, learning guitar...

then one day I decided I wanted to go cliff jumping. I wanted to go allllll last summer and never got the chance to, so I was SET on going this summer. Keep in mind, I've been cliff jumping before... when I was a little younger, around 15-16, so not THAT long ago... Ok, ok, almost 1o years. Whoa. So I treated this desire as any other desire, I was doing it. I wanted to be happy and close to my God, who wanted to see me happy. So, off I go to Warrior's to meet Shellie, Matt and Jacoby. I even wore my TOMS shoes that had "Just Jump." painted on the sides of them, not even planning it that way. I wanted to jump in shoes because I hadn't swam in a lake in a while... and well, I just thought it'd be safer that way. So we walk for what seemed like forever out to the cliffs. When we get there, it didn't look so bad... and we were standing on the 60ft one, but I was relieved to know that there was a 45ft one directly below it. So Shellie and I walk down to that one, which looked even better. "I can definitely do this," I thought to myself. "I've done it before..." and I knew that Matt and Jacoby were trained for emergencies, so we were set. We made the boys go first. They jumped off the 60ft one. It looked so fun, but I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage... I knew I was going to do it. I knew I was on this kick of doing crazy things that made me happy even if I didn't have an explanation for them... so I took a couple steps, closed my eyes, and jumped out. I landed in the water the first time kinda awkwardly, but I came back up. The only thing that I was thinking about was, "that was scary as HELL" and I had so much water go up my nose from the impact. I felt on top of the world. It was such an adrenaline rush. So I swam to the rocks to climb up to go again, even though I knew I would probably be pushing my luck with a second time around. I'm no pro at extreme sports or anything. So the boys have jumped again by now. So it's back to me. I said I wanted a boy to jump first "just in case"... so Matt jumps in. I ask for a countdown... step off on my left foot and just... jumped. I knew before I even hit the water that I had jumped off the ledge weird, and when I hit the water, it was the most painful thing Ive ever experienced. I won't go into detail about what happened next, because God knows this is getting long enough, and it's something I'll never forget for as long as I live. I replay it over and over while Im laying in bed trying to decide which way I want to lay that is the least painful for me, because there is no pain-free position, and there probably won't even be again, thanks to my stupidity and an injury that will never heal itself without surgery, which Im not too keen on the idea of right now. I knew I should've jumped off my right foot, because I am a completely right-bodied person. I do everything with my right side. I knew I should have pointed my feet, so I would've hit the water in the right position. I KNEW all of this stuff. I wasn't thinking. About anything. All I was thinking of was just DOING it. Just being in the moment, and going for it, no matter the consequences. All I was thinking of was just jumping... and everything else would take care of itself.

However, what I will say is that I am a VERY lucky girl that I'm not paralyzed, that I didn't break my back, and that I'm even alive and typing right now.


After the ER and settling in, I try to take a shower... and it hits me while washing my hair quickly became one of the most painful activities ever; I start apologizing to God. I apologize for being so stupid and reckless with my life, for just assuming that He would take care of me. Thankfully, He did... I know that He was with me that day. But what was my deal?? What was I thinking? Why didn't I think about that more? Think about the way I was jumping... how I needed to prepare myself for doing extreme activities like that. And while thinking about that, I think about the fact that it's not only my physical body that I'm wreckless with... Isn't being wreckless with your heart the same thing? Isn't it just as bad? Needless to say, a lightbulb came on that night... and I hope to God I think something that crazy through before attempting it again.

And I learned the difference... There is a difference from being free-spirited and doing things that make you happy, and being reckless and deciding to do something dangerous on a whim. I didn't care about the outcome. I just cared about me doing something insane and on the verge of danger. There is such a difference. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He also wants us to be c a r e f u l, and when we put ourselves in the line of fire, it becomes completely different. When we become reckless with our hearts and bodies, that line between happiness and stupidity begins to blur... BIG time. We should be happy, we should be very happy indeed, but what is happiness with tragedy attached to it, following close behind it? Cliff jumping isn't the only reckless stunt I've been pulling lately. and I'm sorry for that, God. You kept me here and safe that day because there's still something huge I'm supposed to be doing for You. There's still that adventure that we're going on that I temporarily forgot about. There's still that life that You want me to live that hasn't even began yet... There's still that person's life that I'm meant to touch, there's still that person that's mean to touch mine. There's still those words I'm supposed to speak to that one person from You. There's still that one day I'm supposed to be there for. There's still that one song that Im supposed to sing. There's still SO MUCH that I'm meant for. Thank you thank you thank YOU so much for this life. I AM happy, and I'm only getting closer to You. Everyday, closer. This summer is going to be the most special summer of my life.

Please stop being reckless with your bodies. Unfortunately, we're not cats and we don't get 9 lives; it can be taken as easily as it was given to you. NO one is invincible.

Please stop being reckless with your hearts. Save it. You're gonna need it one day for the big time.


I love my friends and my family and everyone and everything that make this life so liveable. <3