I showed you my town, you showed me your heart

I have come a long way since July 28, 2011, which is the last post I made on this thing. That post was riddled with anxiety and uncertainty. I now have gained a fresher, clearer perspective on all things dealing with love and life. Much of this discovery is actually due TO the anxiety ridden and uncertainty filled nights I spent alone my first few weeks in Georgia. I completely and absolutely believe that if I had not been to that dark place, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine that I am reveling in now. There was a time when I believed prayers were falling on deaf ears, but now with cigarette in hand (i know, i knooow) on my porch, typing this as we speak, with a Carrie Bradshaw Sex in the 'Ville sassiest of approaches, I know better.

I owe all of this clarity to the people in Georgia(Kaylie, Carie, Casie, and others) that I have come to love so much that it feels my heart may burst at times (and yeah, brightly colored confetti would float forth), that have listened to me bitch and moan about life, and waiting, and doubt, and actually listened. I owe it to the friends back in Tennessee that have also done the same thing, that have stuck around, that never left, that have called me before I called them, that have skyped with me at midnight. To my parents for their constant and unwavering support, encouragement, and love. I owe it to the boy who showed me that I am a beautiful human being, makeup or no makeup, inspiration or no inspiration, who drives me to become a better woman, who showed me that some of them are different, and that he is the best one out there. I owe it to the mountains and their everchanging leaves, for reminding me life is not just about getting shit done, and to BREATHE. Most importantly, I owe it to God, for answering my prayers, for listening. For being constantly present even when I can't feel it, for pouring out these undeserved blessings on a girl who is just trying to make it through the day most times.

I know that there will be days, that I dont see this side of life. Hell, just look at my recent writings, but for now I am savoring every single drop of this happy-go-lucky attitude, this life, this love, this passion.






Here's to the good times, baby.

rainy thoughts, rainy night

I wanted to write, and then I didn't want to write. Today has been a strange day, as all of my other days in Milledgeville have been. I have to give today what it is due, and that is some literary dissection.

My day started out with a sense of urgency, with a side of forgetfulness, and a lot of stoicism. I just sat outside on my porch and watched the day float by. I witnessed the sun show attention to the better half of my backyard, watching the silhouette of my house grow larger and larger. It was almost like it was taking over me, overwhelming me by the minute. I felt sadness for a close friend, gratefulness for what I have been given, fear and uncertainty for the future, confusion as to where I am now. It feels like I have been in interim for almost a year, and in a way, I have been. Waiting to be accepted, waiting to transfer stores, waiting for school to start, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Every night I am overcome with a feeling of gratitude for my parents. I think being hours away from them really makes you realize how lucky you are to have individuals who unconditonally love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, and are proud of you no matter what. Do people realize that it is a blessing to have loved ones even wake up in the mornings?

After sinking into my thoughts for a while, I decided I was going to make the most of the day. Today was the day I was going to see Flannery O'Connor's grave. FINALLY. My friend Casie and I had only been planning it for like the past five days. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed over to her house, which is ridiculously easy and hard to find all at the same time. We drank wine out of hot tea cups and swayed back in forth on her porch in the midst of conversation inspired by sunset and the relentless rain; talking about art, and love, and passion. Finally, the rain let up and we started our walk to Flannery. I don't think I was fully prepared for the feeling that was making its way toward me. Standing at the bottom of Flannery's grave, I almost felt speechless. It isn't something I can verbalize, still, hours later. It felt so unreal just standing there, knowing she was a few feet away from me. This woman, that I'd come to know through her writings...this woman that had inspired me and led me to this town, and this school. I wish I could find the words, but I am at a loss. I must find a peacock feather and take one to her. I'm sure she misses her peacocks.

The end of the night was compiled of coffee, chocolate, and more conversation. I'm looking forward to becoming closer to Casie. I think she will bring out the artsy side of me, which unfortunately takes a little bit of pushing.

Here's to the final episode of My So-Called Life, which I am about to watch right now. So long to the 15 year old me, that is still searching inside 24 year old me.

(untitled)

For some reason, being in Georgia is making me feel like shit. I feel like I'm on a never-ending vacation, and that is unsettling. Things with school are harder to come by than they are easy, not that I'm expecting easy...but, does it have to be this damn hard? How many setbacks does it take to make you realize, that maybe, this isn't what is supposed to be happening right now? I'm going stir crazy in this little apartment. I love my apartment, but I know no one here. Work is strange and it's hard to adjust. Maybe having Cody down this weekend will ease my mind.