rainy thoughts, rainy night

I wanted to write, and then I didn't want to write. Today has been a strange day, as all of my other days in Milledgeville have been. I have to give today what it is due, and that is some literary dissection.

My day started out with a sense of urgency, with a side of forgetfulness, and a lot of stoicism. I just sat outside on my porch and watched the day float by. I witnessed the sun show attention to the better half of my backyard, watching the silhouette of my house grow larger and larger. It was almost like it was taking over me, overwhelming me by the minute. I felt sadness for a close friend, gratefulness for what I have been given, fear and uncertainty for the future, confusion as to where I am now. It feels like I have been in interim for almost a year, and in a way, I have been. Waiting to be accepted, waiting to transfer stores, waiting for school to start, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Every night I am overcome with a feeling of gratitude for my parents. I think being hours away from them really makes you realize how lucky you are to have individuals who unconditonally love you for who you are, not who they want you to be, and are proud of you no matter what. Do people realize that it is a blessing to have loved ones even wake up in the mornings?

After sinking into my thoughts for a while, I decided I was going to make the most of the day. Today was the day I was going to see Flannery O'Connor's grave. FINALLY. My friend Casie and I had only been planning it for like the past five days. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed over to her house, which is ridiculously easy and hard to find all at the same time. We drank wine out of hot tea cups and swayed back in forth on her porch in the midst of conversation inspired by sunset and the relentless rain; talking about art, and love, and passion. Finally, the rain let up and we started our walk to Flannery. I don't think I was fully prepared for the feeling that was making its way toward me. Standing at the bottom of Flannery's grave, I almost felt speechless. It isn't something I can verbalize, still, hours later. It felt so unreal just standing there, knowing she was a few feet away from me. This woman, that I'd come to know through her writings...this woman that had inspired me and led me to this town, and this school. I wish I could find the words, but I am at a loss. I must find a peacock feather and take one to her. I'm sure she misses her peacocks.

The end of the night was compiled of coffee, chocolate, and more conversation. I'm looking forward to becoming closer to Casie. I think she will bring out the artsy side of me, which unfortunately takes a little bit of pushing.

Here's to the final episode of My So-Called Life, which I am about to watch right now. So long to the 15 year old me, that is still searching inside 24 year old me.

(untitled)

For some reason, being in Georgia is making me feel like shit. I feel like I'm on a never-ending vacation, and that is unsettling. Things with school are harder to come by than they are easy, not that I'm expecting easy...but, does it have to be this damn hard? How many setbacks does it take to make you realize, that maybe, this isn't what is supposed to be happening right now? I'm going stir crazy in this little apartment. I love my apartment, but I know no one here. Work is strange and it's hard to adjust. Maybe having Cody down this weekend will ease my mind.