.

It's 1:16am. Creeping up into the wee hours of the morning.

I have a few reasons not to smile, but more reasons to smile than to not. So why is it so damn hard? I have school in less than 9 hours and here I am... sitting up, my head filled with thoughts that don't belong to me anymore. I wonder how many times this will happen, how many times I will go through heartbreak.

I am so blessed. With amazing friends, and family... I have a roof over my head. I don't starve. I have a car. I don't have a job, but that is my own fault.

I hear and see things. Bad things that happen to other people... I immediately realize how lucky I am and cheer up. Then a few hours later, I can't trudge my way out of the darkness. Happy, sad, happy, sad. I feel like I felt two years ago. Just not as bad...yet. Why the hell do I get so attached...so easily? I thought I defeated this thing.

...and all I can seem to think about is who is sleeping beside of him, and why I am not there. Pathetic. Selfish, even.

I hate being me sometimes. I hate having such a huge heart and having such a huge ache to love someone and to be loved. Isn't God enough? Why can't you be here God? Why can't you be in human form... This would make this process much easier.

Move on. Easier said than done.

Now, I'm going to toss and turn for 2 hours restlessly until I fall asleep. Goodnight.

my favorite scene.

Clementine: Joely?

Joel: Yeah Tangerine?

Clementine: Am I ugly?

Joel: Uh-uh.

Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.

Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.

Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.

Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...

cars and telephones

Because I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my head makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm going to drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying, "Hurry, don't be late"
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

But fuck it, I love you no less
I'm going to feel like shit
By the time I get to you
Now the sky is turning blue
The stars, they disappear
One by one with daylight, dear
And yes, you're in my head
But that doesn't make you here
And I've lost all my friends
But you're the one I miss the most
And now I'm almost there
Yeah, I'm almost to the coast
And if I had any notion
Of how to drive my car across the Atlantic Ocean
I'd be fucking set

Bonnie Parker: I don't have no mama. No family either.

Clyde Barrow: Hey, I'm your family.

Bonnie Parker: You know what, when we started out, I thought we was really goin' somewhere. This is it. We're just goin', huh?


Clyde Barrow: I love you.

----------------

Clyde Barrow: You know what you done there? You told my story, you told my whole story right there, right there. One time, I told you I was gonna make you somebody. That's what you done for me. You made me somebody they're gonna remember.

Clyde Barrow: Alright. Alright. If all you want's a stud service, you get on back to West Dallas and you stay there the rest of your life. You're worth more than that. A lot more than that. You know it and that's why you come along with me. You could find a lover boy on every damn corner in town. It don't make a damn to them whether you're waitin' on tables or pickin' cotton, but it does make a damn to me.


Bonnie Parker: Why?

Clyde Barrow: Why? What's you mean, "Why?" Because you're different, that's why. You know, you're like me. You want different things. You got somethin' better than bein' a waitress. You and me travelin' together, we could cut a path clean across this state and Kansas and Missouri and Oklahoma and everybody'd know about it. You listen to me, Miss Bonnie Parker. You listen to me.

Its not supposed to hurt this bad. I'd give anything to make it j u s t s t o p.

How did we get here?

Is this a dream?

Somebody pinch me.

So over pointless pain.

thank You so much for the sunshine today, Lord... And for realization, no matter how painful it may be.

OH, and for 3eb... And red hair.

That is all.

P.S.- anyone and everyone should listen to Lullaby - Dixie Chicks.

You give me crazy love and you whisper, you've got a bottle and nobody that you're missin.

Drinkin' and hangin' tonight. Who's down?