.

It's 1:16am. Creeping up into the wee hours of the morning.

I have a few reasons not to smile, but more reasons to smile than to not. So why is it so damn hard? I have school in less than 9 hours and here I am... sitting up, my head filled with thoughts that don't belong to me anymore. I wonder how many times this will happen, how many times I will go through heartbreak.

I am so blessed. With amazing friends, and family... I have a roof over my head. I don't starve. I have a car. I don't have a job, but that is my own fault.

I hear and see things. Bad things that happen to other people... I immediately realize how lucky I am and cheer up. Then a few hours later, I can't trudge my way out of the darkness. Happy, sad, happy, sad. I feel like I felt two years ago. Just not as bad...yet. Why the hell do I get so attached...so easily? I thought I defeated this thing.

...and all I can seem to think about is who is sleeping beside of him, and why I am not there. Pathetic. Selfish, even.

I hate being me sometimes. I hate having such a huge heart and having such a huge ache to love someone and to be loved. Isn't God enough? Why can't you be here God? Why can't you be in human form... This would make this process much easier.

Move on. Easier said than done.

Now, I'm going to toss and turn for 2 hours restlessly until I fall asleep. Goodnight.