Outside of my window

is the prettiest pink and purple sunset I have seen in a while. You did it again, God. Swept me up right before I hit the ground. Made me feel so tiny and intricate in a world so big and boldly detailed. Held me there in that moment like an object that might break if you move it too fast or breathe on it too hard.

Such has been my life lately. God is fleeting. Like that sunset outside my window right now. I'll feel and hear Him just as if He was sitting right next to me, but like that sunset, its gone within a matter of minutes. I think He does this so we will be thankful for those precious minutes... but He is never far. He would never hide or stay gone for long. When I need him the most, He comes back like the Hero of the story a l w a y s does.


The past few days have been... Lets just say this lyric sums it up quite nicely: "I've never been this beautifully rescued."

It's so true. God is coming for my heart in such a real way that I can't avoid this time around. I am loving and trying to savor every single minute of it...because like I said, it isn't always beautiful moments like those.

For me, it is SO easy to get dragged back down... I will feel amazing for a few hours, then sadness hits me out of nowhere. It's a struggle. But I'm not giving up. I'm seeking God out and chasing hard after Him like He is after me. Like I said earlier, God always rescues me somehow from the sadness... the difference between these past days and the months before is that when I got sad, I gave into that sadness and those thoughts. Lately when it happens, I just pray without ceasing until I feel better... or until God sends me a sunset, or a dragonfly, or a dove. :) These things are all around us, God's little love letters, all you have to do is recognize them. And the best part about that is, they are tailor-made for your own heart. It's crazy and reassuring to know that He knows me better than I know myself.

I have been hiding away in Roan Mtn for the past week or so too... There is something about being up there that just makes me feel safe, and everything is okay when I'm there. I think it's because it's so quiet that you think the whole world has stopped for as long as you're there, and nothing bad is happening. When I'm there I feel like everything has perfectly fallen into place, but when I drive back into the city it feels like I can't breathe and I'm bombarded with deadlines and work and stressful stuff.

The other day I drove up there while it was raining and freezing. It was about 50 on top of the mountain, and the rain was cold. So I just parked my car in a spot where you could see the mountains and just journaled. I came across a bible verse I had written down from The Well months ago... but something told me to read it, so I looked it up. Here it is:

Psalm 27:5-
"For He will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high..."

how cool is that?! place me out of reach on a high rock?! That's exactly what He did... I was on Roan, and he concealed me there for sure. Thats my safe place. I love it. I just wish it were closer. But anyway, I just wanted to share that... blew my mind. I definitely knew I was in the right place at the right time. <3

I need to learn to be thankful and appreciative in happy moments, and in the sad ones too. I need to keep pressing forward and not giving into thoughts that make me backslide a million steps. That's the challenge. God is challenging me to not give up on Him... to keep chasing no matter how hard it gets. But... I will not give up. I refuse.


This journey is a journey I was meant to go on years ago. It's very overdue. I'm not running from it anymore. I am welcoming it with arms wide open.

I only have myself to blame.

We were too wasted to close the window.
Friends and family looking into my only hiding place
The rhythm of a stranger's skin.
Infidel to die for
what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me

He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

Who is he?
Why would I
hitch a ride?
I can drive.
Who is she?
Why would I
hitch a ride
When i can drive?

Somebody put me back in school, I forget everything.
I used to know how to leave the boy behind
without having to watch him go.
Infidel to die for
what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me.

He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

Who is he? (Circumstantial)
Why would I
hitch a ride
I can drive?
Who is she? (Circumstantial)
Why would I
hitch a ride
when i can drive?

Circumstantial
Circumstantial
Circumstantial
Circumstantial
always

It is AUGUST?

Love is when I'm lost not when I'm found

Here I lay in bed, and it just hit me out of NOWHERE... it is August?! Whaaat? Really? Where did the past 8 months go? I am seriously tripping out on the fact that it is August right now.

This is one of those nights that I embrace. My favorite kinda nights. Everything just kinda feels, right. Everything falls into place, and, sorta bittersweet, but, okay... ya know? Everything is ebbing and flowing and it is truly OK. I've been writing and humming all night long, making up melodies in my head as the night follows. I feel...strange.

These past 8 months... I feel, have been a waste. A complete waste. I didn't accomplish anything, really. I learned a HARD lesson to learn. But, other than that, I feel like these past 8 months have been a huge blur. Did I freeze in time for a few months or what? I can't wrap my mind around it. It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating New Years, and in 4 short months I will be celebrating another. People change, time flies, relationships end, friendships end....but they start too. It's all so insane to me, how this process of letting go and starting over works. It's painful, but its beautiful. Only this time, this process has been much quicker for me than last time. I still feel weird thinking about how everything that seemed so right was taken for something...more right? Most days I choose to think about something else. But tonight, I need to sort it out. Stars are out, inside my head...

2007/2008 felt like it took 5 years to heal. Does this get easier, or harder? In some ways harder, in some ways easier.

The best thing is, God knows exactly what I need... And He'll try His hardest to make it that way for me, if I cooperate (and a LOT of times I dont) haha. That gives me a weightless feeling. Knowing that He is all knowing, and His timing is perfect... and He's got this, He really does. It may not be the way I want it to happen or even when I want it to happen, but it will all fall together perfectly. I believe that God will put it in front of you over and over again, what you do with it... is your free will. But it is there, the chance to jump is always there. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. Friendships, job opportunities... Anything in life.

I'm SO stoked for fall... And earlier today I realized that I will have long hair for fall/winter. :)! I can't wait to wrap up in huge warm sweaters again. Fall has always brought me a sense of renewal, nostalgia, and opportunity. I hate the word opportunity... Chance? Eh, like it, but, not the word I'm looking for.

My mind and heart are seriously 2 big whirlwinds of emotions tonight.