Saturday, February 28, 2009
when i let you closer, i only want you closer.
I can't wait until suzanne pulls up... The thought that's going to run across her mind is "wtf?!..." when she sees what I'm wearing to Boone. Hahaha. She and I have diff opinions on what looks good and, well...what doesn't. Obviously I am on the "what doesn't" end of the spectrum today.
Sometimes laying down in the floor beside my stereo, listening to my favorite cd, is the best thing in the world.
Anyone else think about why when we run our hands over our own skin...it doesn't feel the same as when someone else does it? I think that sucks. That just feeds that ache to have someone. God did make us to love and to be loved. Clever trick, God.
And in this background, the colors change... From green to blue, from blue to purple... Purple to red, and in my head... <3
Good thing I called shotgun on the way to Boone... I get kinda carsick when I ride on curvy backroads in the back seat.
Ahhh... Iron and wine... <3
Suzs parents are outta town for a whole week. Dance parties galore and lots o' sex and the city nightie nights. Cupcakes and cookies and bubble baths. Retrospect.
"I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then they went onto say..."
Ewwww jacob stole shotgun. I hope I puke all over him.
Bahahaha we are making him listen to mates of state. And I got the front seat! I win.
All the troubles that are changin' this place, I can look at you feel connection. When I think, my head spins round and round, and I know, ill never find a reason to hurt you. When we kiss, I see stars up all around, and i miss that, I know that we'll get through it, let's do it.
<3 i thought you'd come and go, I never thought you would stay, and I'm sorry if I tried to push you away <3
Mmmmjimmyeatworld!
Who wants to go to the Carter fold?
Man.. Just drivin through NC to boone and seeing the baby christmas tree farms makes me crave a family. There's something about mtns that just does it for me... I'm still way young to be contemplating a family but I really hope its in the plans for me. I just want to be a killer mom... And wife. That's definitely what I'm here for. Home cooked meals and fireplaces. Sittin on wrap around front porches pickin a guitar and drinkin homemade sweet tea that's BETTER than any other.... Layin on a hammock. My hubby and me layin our heads down at night to talk about the day and just love on each other. Bedtime stories and a huge yard to play in. Man. I want it NOW.
Peace.
Sometimes laying down in the floor beside my stereo, listening to my favorite cd, is the best thing in the world.
Anyone else think about why when we run our hands over our own skin...it doesn't feel the same as when someone else does it? I think that sucks. That just feeds that ache to have someone. God did make us to love and to be loved. Clever trick, God.
And in this background, the colors change... From green to blue, from blue to purple... Purple to red, and in my head... <3
Good thing I called shotgun on the way to Boone... I get kinda carsick when I ride on curvy backroads in the back seat.
Ahhh... Iron and wine... <3
Suzs parents are outta town for a whole week. Dance parties galore and lots o' sex and the city nightie nights. Cupcakes and cookies and bubble baths. Retrospect.
"I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then they went onto say..."
Ewwww jacob stole shotgun. I hope I puke all over him.
Bahahaha we are making him listen to mates of state. And I got the front seat! I win.
All the troubles that are changin' this place, I can look at you feel connection. When I think, my head spins round and round, and I know, ill never find a reason to hurt you. When we kiss, I see stars up all around, and i miss that, I know that we'll get through it, let's do it.
<3 i thought you'd come and go, I never thought you would stay, and I'm sorry if I tried to push you away <3
Mmmmjimmyeatworld!
Who wants to go to the Carter fold?
Man.. Just drivin through NC to boone and seeing the baby christmas tree farms makes me crave a family. There's something about mtns that just does it for me... I'm still way young to be contemplating a family but I really hope its in the plans for me. I just want to be a killer mom... And wife. That's definitely what I'm here for. Home cooked meals and fireplaces. Sittin on wrap around front porches pickin a guitar and drinkin homemade sweet tea that's BETTER than any other.... Layin on a hammock. My hubby and me layin our heads down at night to talk about the day and just love on each other. Bedtime stories and a huge yard to play in. Man. I want it NOW.
Peace.
Friday, February 27, 2009
P.S.
Someone please take me to see a movie at the old theatre in downtown Asheville...
I LOVE old theatres.
<3
I LOVE old theatres.
<3
white fingernails?
So. Its a friday night and I'm home alone. I know I know, you're so jealous... I'm having SUCH a kickass time.
I'm about to go to wally world and buy somethings gotta give. I neeeeed to see that movie again like I need a glass of sweet tea. SHEW.
I want a dance party. Stat. I wish pam and dad were outta town so I could blare cheesy rap music and have my very own Chrome right here, boiiii.
But I really wanna just slow dance.... Sigh.
Gahhh I'm going stir crazy!! I need another trip to asheville... But this time I'm pretty sure we should go at a decent hour when downtown is actually open.
EVEN dad and pam are out havin a good time.
Maybe I will just take a tylenol PM and peace out.
I'm about to go to wally world and buy somethings gotta give. I neeeeed to see that movie again like I need a glass of sweet tea. SHEW.
I want a dance party. Stat. I wish pam and dad were outta town so I could blare cheesy rap music and have my very own Chrome right here, boiiii.
But I really wanna just slow dance.... Sigh.
Gahhh I'm going stir crazy!! I need another trip to asheville... But this time I'm pretty sure we should go at a decent hour when downtown is actually open.
EVEN dad and pam are out havin a good time.
Maybe I will just take a tylenol PM and peace out.
!
Mandy Moore...
And
Ryan Adams...
Are...
-GULP-
ENGAGED?!?!
God, where is the silver lining in that!? I thought -I- was supposed to marry Ryan Adams??
Sigh.
Ryan Adams should clone himself and give Mandy the clone and let me keep the real deal.
Mandy better keep a close watch on her man, cause I will be seeing him in just a couple weeks. Muahahah.
I'm tiiiiired and bein' silly. Goodnight. :)
And
Ryan Adams...
Are...
-GULP-
ENGAGED?!?!
God, where is the silver lining in that!? I thought -I- was supposed to marry Ryan Adams??
Sigh.
Ryan Adams should clone himself and give Mandy the clone and let me keep the real deal.
Mandy better keep a close watch on her man, cause I will be seeing him in just a couple weeks. Muahahah.
I'm tiiiiired and bein' silly. Goodnight. :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
t h o u g h t . b u b b l e s
Today is a repeat of a day in around September, almost three years ago. I woke up and felt the exact same as I did on that fall day. I would never wish that upon anyone.
So, this post will be about anything, and everything that runs through my mind. I need to write... and the quickness of the keys sound more pleasant than writing on paper would be.
Let's talk about World Lit class. This is a class that I've skipped... about 3 times in a row. Grade A student, lemme tell ya. I never do the reading assignments and we always have what he likes to call, 'go arounds'... these go arounds consist of questions that normally I wouldnt have a CLUE as to what the answer was... But I sit somewhere in the middle of the class so I gain an answer by the time it gets to me. Anyway, my mind was wandering as always... and I started to think about the diversity of people in that class. I am a people-watcher for sure if nothing else.
the guy who always comes in late, wears a leather jacket and has an unruuuuly beard. i mean its outta control. the sweet girl who never looks up from her book when she's asked a question. then there's the guy that sits in the front row, who is the only person who answers when the teach asks a question. except sometimes the dude sitting beside of me pipes up and actually has some wise insight. then there's the man that sits besides me who, no joke, is identical to morgan freeman. i wish i could take a picture and post it.. it's creepy how much they look alike. and the quiet girl who sits on the other side of him, who has good conversation with him in the few minutes before class starts. then there's the woman... who has beautiful red hair, who has souch a slow southern draw, thinks its completely and absolutely eve's fault that adam ate the apple. she is my favorite. then there's the teach; northern, independent as hell, doesn't like to be bothered by his wife to get a loaf of bread when he's fly fishing for God's sakes.
We were asked today, on our daily 'go around'... if we would like to just live in the mtns, get away from society. Yes please?! Where do I sign up?? I was surprised at some people's answers... saying no because they would miss their cell phones. sheesh. I wanna live in the mtns, learn to play the banjo, sing my heart out to God all day, everyday... that seems perfect to me. Sure, it'd be a challenge. Who doesn't like a challenge? According to the guy who broke his ankle snowboarding, he's up for the challenge too.
Then we started talking about Chinese culture... and how 'turtle-head' is like the ULTIMATE insult. TURTLE-HEAD?! thats hilarious. 'God, you're SUCH a turtle-head! Stop being a turtle-head...' hahahah I love it. I remember when Kaylie, Zac and I 'turtle-headed' Marcos at the gas station! hahahah it was SO funny. Oh, to go back to that night.
p.s. 'turtle-headed' means just up and leavin someone somewhere. Youre like 'nah... i'll just stay in the car, grab me a water while you're at it'
then... BAM. they walk out and they have no idea where their ride is.
It's only mean if you don't return to pick them up. :)
God, I need a pink and purple sunset today... or sometime soon... Please do that for me.
I have to keep talking... if I don't talk, I think. I don't wanna think right now...not yet. I'll hide a little longer in this blog post.
Lastnight was the first time I had a real, intimate, personal conversation with my father. I regret that I have not included him on more aspects of my life. He was more honest with me than ANYONE has ever been before. He spoke from the places that he has hidden from me, from everyone, for so long. He cried, I cried... It was beautiful. Ive never had a conversation so real. I hope that he knows I appreciate everything he does for me. I couldn't ask for a better hard-working, providing, rock of a dad. I want my husband to be everything that he is, nothing less.
My mother, ohh my mother. I love you. I know you're reading this... and you're probably sick at your stomach from that last paragraph. You are crazy. I love that I have your stories and your examples to learn from and grow into a woman from. I miss you... I hope to God that I can come see you and Shawn-Michael soon. He is my escape and I want nothing more than to swing him on a swingset right this very moment. I would be completely happy, with nothing to think about but how blessed I am.
Can someone tell me WHY every damn guy thats tall, that has long hair, thats slighty dark skinned, has beautiful hands?!
What was God thinking when he made that breed? Really?? God, why would you do that to a girl?! There is a dude in the comp lab right now with all of these features and it is making me sick to my stomach.
I'm going to the dam after school today. I need to get my thoughts gathered, and straightened out... and honestly, I just need to sit in God's beauty. I think the dam is one of the best ways Tennessee represents its and God's beauty. My heart is very, very shaky today. I just hope I don't have to go back to the doctor.
Well, this is all I've got for now. I'll be writing tons more considering myspace and I are taking a break.
Good day.
So, this post will be about anything, and everything that runs through my mind. I need to write... and the quickness of the keys sound more pleasant than writing on paper would be.
Let's talk about World Lit class. This is a class that I've skipped... about 3 times in a row. Grade A student, lemme tell ya. I never do the reading assignments and we always have what he likes to call, 'go arounds'... these go arounds consist of questions that normally I wouldnt have a CLUE as to what the answer was... But I sit somewhere in the middle of the class so I gain an answer by the time it gets to me. Anyway, my mind was wandering as always... and I started to think about the diversity of people in that class. I am a people-watcher for sure if nothing else.
the guy who always comes in late, wears a leather jacket and has an unruuuuly beard. i mean its outta control. the sweet girl who never looks up from her book when she's asked a question. then there's the guy that sits in the front row, who is the only person who answers when the teach asks a question. except sometimes the dude sitting beside of me pipes up and actually has some wise insight. then there's the man that sits besides me who, no joke, is identical to morgan freeman. i wish i could take a picture and post it.. it's creepy how much they look alike. and the quiet girl who sits on the other side of him, who has good conversation with him in the few minutes before class starts. then there's the woman... who has beautiful red hair, who has souch a slow southern draw, thinks its completely and absolutely eve's fault that adam ate the apple. she is my favorite. then there's the teach; northern, independent as hell, doesn't like to be bothered by his wife to get a loaf of bread when he's fly fishing for God's sakes.
We were asked today, on our daily 'go around'... if we would like to just live in the mtns, get away from society. Yes please?! Where do I sign up?? I was surprised at some people's answers... saying no because they would miss their cell phones. sheesh. I wanna live in the mtns, learn to play the banjo, sing my heart out to God all day, everyday... that seems perfect to me. Sure, it'd be a challenge. Who doesn't like a challenge? According to the guy who broke his ankle snowboarding, he's up for the challenge too.
Then we started talking about Chinese culture... and how 'turtle-head' is like the ULTIMATE insult. TURTLE-HEAD?! thats hilarious. 'God, you're SUCH a turtle-head! Stop being a turtle-head...' hahahah I love it. I remember when Kaylie, Zac and I 'turtle-headed' Marcos at the gas station! hahahah it was SO funny. Oh, to go back to that night.
p.s. 'turtle-headed' means just up and leavin someone somewhere. Youre like 'nah... i'll just stay in the car, grab me a water while you're at it'
then... BAM. they walk out and they have no idea where their ride is.
It's only mean if you don't return to pick them up. :)
God, I need a pink and purple sunset today... or sometime soon... Please do that for me.
I have to keep talking... if I don't talk, I think. I don't wanna think right now...not yet. I'll hide a little longer in this blog post.
Lastnight was the first time I had a real, intimate, personal conversation with my father. I regret that I have not included him on more aspects of my life. He was more honest with me than ANYONE has ever been before. He spoke from the places that he has hidden from me, from everyone, for so long. He cried, I cried... It was beautiful. Ive never had a conversation so real. I hope that he knows I appreciate everything he does for me. I couldn't ask for a better hard-working, providing, rock of a dad. I want my husband to be everything that he is, nothing less.
My mother, ohh my mother. I love you. I know you're reading this... and you're probably sick at your stomach from that last paragraph. You are crazy. I love that I have your stories and your examples to learn from and grow into a woman from. I miss you... I hope to God that I can come see you and Shawn-Michael soon. He is my escape and I want nothing more than to swing him on a swingset right this very moment. I would be completely happy, with nothing to think about but how blessed I am.
Can someone tell me WHY every damn guy thats tall, that has long hair, thats slighty dark skinned, has beautiful hands?!
What was God thinking when he made that breed? Really?? God, why would you do that to a girl?! There is a dude in the comp lab right now with all of these features and it is making me sick to my stomach.
I'm going to the dam after school today. I need to get my thoughts gathered, and straightened out... and honestly, I just need to sit in God's beauty. I think the dam is one of the best ways Tennessee represents its and God's beauty. My heart is very, very shaky today. I just hope I don't have to go back to the doctor.
Well, this is all I've got for now. I'll be writing tons more considering myspace and I are taking a break.
Good day.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Promises.
I am no longer...
going to worry my heart about things that are out of my control, and GLADLY out of my control, otherwise I would tear them down in a heartbeat. That's a scary thought. My heart is way too delicate and precious for the ridiculous worries I throw on it every day and night. I woke up this morning and felt...different. I can't promise that this renewing feeling will last, at least for more than a day... because honestly, I know who/how I am. I know that I want to continue feeling this way, but... will I have the strength and willpower to do it? We shall see.
The title of this blog is promises, because... God promises that if we believe in Him, have faith in Him, and hold onto Him... He will do amazing things in our lives that we cannot even fathom why, how when where whatever, you get the point. WHY is it SO hard to do that? To just trust, in something bigger than yourself... to hold onto truth that has proven itself to me SO many times now? How many more miracles do I need? I am so selfish.
I wanna really trust this time. Really believe. Really fall...into whatever it is that I feel is worth it, without hesitation. I wanna really do it. not just think/talk about it. Just jump... that used to be my motto. What happened? I'm just scared and full of fear. That's what it is... But fear and worry are no good in Jesus' book. Just trust and love, without hesitation, everything else will work out... So what if you get your heart broken? Jesus went through many heartbreaks. Who am I to limit myself to just two? Ugh. I am sure there are many more ahead...not just relational either. That is what will ground me. I can let it break me, and miss out on life.. or I can take the good WITH the bad.. and just jump. again. and again and again and again.
It all comes down to this. Brittani is wreckless as all get out with her heart, but she doesn't trust either. How that works... no one knows. haha. I'm a strange girl. and this story has been told way too many times... time to actually put worth behind the word and do it.
In or out.
All or nothing.
until next time, enjoy some ryan adams lyrics and...stay warm <3
"This Is It"
Let me sing a song for you
That's never been sung before
All the words were meant for you
And never been said before
I kiss her when she sleeps
I kiss her when she's sleeping
Let me sing a song for you
A song that's worth the dreaming
Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening
What's the use in marigolds
These flowers are for you
All the lights go after burn
The sky it splits in two
I kiss her on her teeth
I kiss her on her teeth, hmm
Let me sing a song for you that alters your belief
Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening
going to worry my heart about things that are out of my control, and GLADLY out of my control, otherwise I would tear them down in a heartbeat. That's a scary thought. My heart is way too delicate and precious for the ridiculous worries I throw on it every day and night. I woke up this morning and felt...different. I can't promise that this renewing feeling will last, at least for more than a day... because honestly, I know who/how I am. I know that I want to continue feeling this way, but... will I have the strength and willpower to do it? We shall see.
The title of this blog is promises, because... God promises that if we believe in Him, have faith in Him, and hold onto Him... He will do amazing things in our lives that we cannot even fathom why, how when where whatever, you get the point. WHY is it SO hard to do that? To just trust, in something bigger than yourself... to hold onto truth that has proven itself to me SO many times now? How many more miracles do I need? I am so selfish.
I wanna really trust this time. Really believe. Really fall...into whatever it is that I feel is worth it, without hesitation. I wanna really do it. not just think/talk about it. Just jump... that used to be my motto. What happened? I'm just scared and full of fear. That's what it is... But fear and worry are no good in Jesus' book. Just trust and love, without hesitation, everything else will work out... So what if you get your heart broken? Jesus went through many heartbreaks. Who am I to limit myself to just two? Ugh. I am sure there are many more ahead...not just relational either. That is what will ground me. I can let it break me, and miss out on life.. or I can take the good WITH the bad.. and just jump. again. and again and again and again.
It all comes down to this. Brittani is wreckless as all get out with her heart, but she doesn't trust either. How that works... no one knows. haha. I'm a strange girl. and this story has been told way too many times... time to actually put worth behind the word and do it.
In or out.
All or nothing.
until next time, enjoy some ryan adams lyrics and...stay warm <3
"This Is It"
Let me sing a song for you
That's never been sung before
All the words were meant for you
And never been said before
I kiss her when she sleeps
I kiss her when she's sleeping
Let me sing a song for you
A song that's worth the dreaming
Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening
What's the use in marigolds
These flowers are for you
All the lights go after burn
The sky it splits in two
I kiss her on her teeth
I kiss her on her teeth, hmm
Let me sing a song for you that alters your belief
Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Love her in the ways you want to be loved.
God, can I please have someone think this way about me one day?
Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to
but I never know when I'm done
And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you
I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand
Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
"Hey oh well whatever"
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win
So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but I didn't give up on you
Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one
So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you I'm blinded
why do I continue to do things when it's so obvious I'm being taken for granted? Damn you, heart.
Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to
but I never know when I'm done
And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you
I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand
Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
"Hey oh well whatever"
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win
So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but I didn't give up on you
Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one
So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you I'm blinded
why do I continue to do things when it's so obvious I'm being taken for granted? Damn you, heart.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Warm Whispers
Hello. First thing's first... rant.
I get into my car this morning and do the usual... start it and turn the heat on 4, on defrost so it will warm up before i turn it on body or feet. I usually wait til I get to the interstate to turn it on body/feet so it will be almost hot. Is that weird? Anyway... I get on the interstate and switch it to body/feet, and its ICE cold. Hmm.. I didnt think anything of it at first... but then I noticed that the little needle on my thermometer/whatever its called, went WAY past the red... I immediately think wtf? and call my dad. So he goes about being a daddy telling me to pull over so he can come save me. I'm almost to school so I just keep on going... then my check engine light comes and I start hearing this screeching noise. hahaha. man oh man. So I truck it to school then park. As soon as I turn off my engine... theres like a cloud of smoke all around me and my car. hahaha SO embarrassing. I just stayed in my car until it stopped pouring smoke because I didn't wanna get out and start walking towards the building and everyone stop me and be like, "hey you know your cars smoking?"
Ugh. ohhh, life. Sometimes I just wanna punch you in the face.
Nothing could shake this bad mood... not even praying. I was NOT about to have another bad day. So I strain to pay attn in World Lit, then walk out the door to see Suz and Jonathan standing there. What a relief. I immediately start pouring my heart out to poor little Suz... haha she must hate her life sometimes when I do that crap. Anyway, Jonathan(best gay friend in the WORLD) and his bright attitude and hilariousness always makes me feel better...but I wasn't banking on it. So we start getting into this convo about if we can touch the ground without bending our knees. Little did I know, that stupid conversation turned my whole day around. Lame, youre thinking, but its completely the little things that make my day. Completely.
So here I am now, listening to Warm Whispers... it makes my heart warm. I miss Jesse. bigtime.
I am anticipating Ashton getting her little but here so we can eat at Subway! I'm hungrrrry. Then I get to have a dinner date with H later in JC... so looking forward to that. She is the only thing that kept me sane lastnight.
I really want God to come through for me with this. I know that He will if I just give it all to Him and STOP WORRYING about things that are out of my control. If it happens, worry about it then... worrying about it now will only MAKE it happen, and make things stagnant. I'm just trying to keep faith the size of a mustard seed, because He promised that if I do... great things will come. Shew.
Suzanne... FINISH captivating! I neeeeed to read it...again! for the fifth time! hahaha.
I'm sorry for the selfishness of this post. I just needed to get all of it out... Shew. I feel a little better. Here's to staying positive.
I get into my car this morning and do the usual... start it and turn the heat on 4, on defrost so it will warm up before i turn it on body or feet. I usually wait til I get to the interstate to turn it on body/feet so it will be almost hot. Is that weird? Anyway... I get on the interstate and switch it to body/feet, and its ICE cold. Hmm.. I didnt think anything of it at first... but then I noticed that the little needle on my thermometer/whatever its called, went WAY past the red... I immediately think wtf? and call my dad. So he goes about being a daddy telling me to pull over so he can come save me. I'm almost to school so I just keep on going... then my check engine light comes and I start hearing this screeching noise. hahaha. man oh man. So I truck it to school then park. As soon as I turn off my engine... theres like a cloud of smoke all around me and my car. hahaha SO embarrassing. I just stayed in my car until it stopped pouring smoke because I didn't wanna get out and start walking towards the building and everyone stop me and be like, "hey you know your cars smoking?"
Ugh. ohhh, life. Sometimes I just wanna punch you in the face.
Nothing could shake this bad mood... not even praying. I was NOT about to have another bad day. So I strain to pay attn in World Lit, then walk out the door to see Suz and Jonathan standing there. What a relief. I immediately start pouring my heart out to poor little Suz... haha she must hate her life sometimes when I do that crap. Anyway, Jonathan(best gay friend in the WORLD) and his bright attitude and hilariousness always makes me feel better...but I wasn't banking on it. So we start getting into this convo about if we can touch the ground without bending our knees. Little did I know, that stupid conversation turned my whole day around. Lame, youre thinking, but its completely the little things that make my day. Completely.
So here I am now, listening to Warm Whispers... it makes my heart warm. I miss Jesse. bigtime.
I am anticipating Ashton getting her little but here so we can eat at Subway! I'm hungrrrry. Then I get to have a dinner date with H later in JC... so looking forward to that. She is the only thing that kept me sane lastnight.
I really want God to come through for me with this. I know that He will if I just give it all to Him and STOP WORRYING about things that are out of my control. If it happens, worry about it then... worrying about it now will only MAKE it happen, and make things stagnant. I'm just trying to keep faith the size of a mustard seed, because He promised that if I do... great things will come. Shew.
Suzanne... FINISH captivating! I neeeeed to read it...again! for the fifth time! hahaha.
I'm sorry for the selfishness of this post. I just needed to get all of it out... Shew. I feel a little better. Here's to staying positive.
i n s p i r a t i o n :
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Things I LOVE:
-when the mountains blend in with the clouds because they are snow covered
-being thoughtful
-when Ashton offers to drive my tea in her car back to NE so i won't make yet another sticky mess of myself
-how February makes me feel
-valentine's day
-SOME mainstream. i can't lie.... mainly breakin' dishes, run baby run, and the great escape. who doesn't like a feel good song?! i sure do.
-my new FAVORITE picture i found in national geographic today. oh.man. i'm trying to figure out how to scan it. seriously. it embodies everything my heart desires.
-the mean ass, yet CUTEST dog in the world living next door. looks like a baby chow... but he won't let me even get close to him. :(
-having red hair. can't wait til it fades to lighter.
-dancing til my muscles burn
-LIL WAYNE... THAT i am not ashamed to admit. i know you all are closet lil wayne fans.
-how my dad shows me unending grace everyday of my life
-when God comes through for me, just like He promises
-how H can ALWAYS bring me back to a chill equilibrium, thinking that everything will be oookay.
-when birds chirp in the mornings outside my window
-when dad leaves 2 rolls of toilet paper sitting beside my door! haha
-the guys that always wear the silly statue of libery costumes that wave at everyone when they pass by... anyone else notice that its ALWAYS guys?! i especially love it when they wear ski masks with it! hahah so great.
-belly laughs... i mean REAL belly laughs... that deep hearted laugh that you can't control
-northern accents... i gotta quartah for my daughtah
-REALLY southern accents
-knowing every word to tila tequila's "fck ya man".... WOOOOPS!
-cheddar's philly cheesesteaks...mmm
-just hangin out in pjs cuddlin' up watchin a good movie
-roan mtn
-caaaamping. summerrrr. :(
-DRESSES... either with bare feet or cowboy boots. nothin' else.
-the bachelor! gahhh my guilty pleasure.
-a good story... especially from older people
-black churches
-tickle. zone.
-elizabethtown
-blankets... tons and tons of blankets. preferrably a blanket fort.
-a good & warm wine buzz
-hearing someone play a banjo
-bubble baths
-surprises
-mixed cds
-calla lillies... REAL ones. hahaha. its ok suz, i still love the fake ones you got me!
-green tea
-eye contact...for more than 2 seconds
-shoulder kisses
-when boys are boys
-first and middle names
-forehead kisses
-the kind of hope that fills my heart everytime i see an older couple. anywhere.
-sitting on the SAME side of the booth <3>
-how my dad is such a gentleman with my stepmom
-how my mom teaches me lessons every single day of my life
-goodGODryanadams
-the song 'lovers waltz' by aa bondy
-being your girl
-you being my love
-pillow talk
-authenticity
-when i smile at a stranger...and they smile back
-old friends coming back into my life
-slow dancing... been way too long. waytoolong.
-slow dancing, in the kitchen. perfect.
-home cooked meals -learning to cook
-anticipating spring
-and lastly but definitely not least, the end of cherry lane when he starts singing "i could never get close enough to you" mmmm.
.....feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt. <3
-being thoughtful
-when Ashton offers to drive my tea in her car back to NE so i won't make yet another sticky mess of myself
-how February makes me feel
-valentine's day
-SOME mainstream. i can't lie.... mainly breakin' dishes, run baby run, and the great escape. who doesn't like a feel good song?! i sure do.
-my new FAVORITE picture i found in national geographic today. oh.man. i'm trying to figure out how to scan it. seriously. it embodies everything my heart desires.
-the mean ass, yet CUTEST dog in the world living next door. looks like a baby chow... but he won't let me even get close to him. :(
-having red hair. can't wait til it fades to lighter.
-dancing til my muscles burn
-LIL WAYNE... THAT i am not ashamed to admit. i know you all are closet lil wayne fans.
-how my dad shows me unending grace everyday of my life
-when God comes through for me, just like He promises
-how H can ALWAYS bring me back to a chill equilibrium, thinking that everything will be oookay.
-when birds chirp in the mornings outside my window
-when dad leaves 2 rolls of toilet paper sitting beside my door! haha
-the guys that always wear the silly statue of libery costumes that wave at everyone when they pass by... anyone else notice that its ALWAYS guys?! i especially love it when they wear ski masks with it! hahah so great.
-belly laughs... i mean REAL belly laughs... that deep hearted laugh that you can't control
-northern accents... i gotta quartah for my daughtah
-REALLY southern accents
-knowing every word to tila tequila's "fck ya man".... WOOOOPS!
-cheddar's philly cheesesteaks...mmm
-just hangin out in pjs cuddlin' up watchin a good movie
-roan mtn
-caaaamping. summerrrr. :(
-DRESSES... either with bare feet or cowboy boots. nothin' else.
-the bachelor! gahhh my guilty pleasure.
-a good story... especially from older people
-black churches
-tickle. zone.
-elizabethtown
-blankets... tons and tons of blankets. preferrably a blanket fort.
-a good & warm wine buzz
-hearing someone play a banjo
-bubble baths
-surprises
-mixed cds
-calla lillies... REAL ones. hahaha. its ok suz, i still love the fake ones you got me!
-green tea
-eye contact...for more than 2 seconds
-shoulder kisses
-when boys are boys
-first and middle names
-forehead kisses
-the kind of hope that fills my heart everytime i see an older couple. anywhere.
-sitting on the SAME side of the booth <3>
-how my dad is such a gentleman with my stepmom
-how my mom teaches me lessons every single day of my life
-goodGODryanadams
-the song 'lovers waltz' by aa bondy
-being your girl
-you being my love
-pillow talk
-authenticity
-when i smile at a stranger...and they smile back
-old friends coming back into my life
-slow dancing... been way too long. waytoolong.
-slow dancing, in the kitchen. perfect.
-home cooked meals -learning to cook
-anticipating spring
-and lastly but definitely not least, the end of cherry lane when he starts singing "i could never get close enough to you" mmmm.
.....feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt. <3
Monday, February 2, 2009
Hello, clarity.
First of all... Let me just tell you how I am freaking out, blog.
I have a color wheel due today at 12pm, which is not finished... This would be my own fault considering I FORGOT that I left my paint sheets in suzannes car. I've been trying to get in touch with Suz but she has mono, therefore she is sleeping like a bebe. :( Which makes me sad, for suzanne, and myself... because I will not have a color wheel for my teacher today, and because she is still sick. Ugh. to go to class, or not go to class... that is the question.
Secondly, and most importantly... I feel as if I've found out a secret today. A secret crucial and so essential to my life... which, most of you will think, is a no brainer.
I did something I've been meaning to do for so so long now, but never found/made the time to do. I talked to God this morning... not just talked, reeeally talked. I mean, poured out kinda talk... and I found that, dun dun dun, it gave me the strongest sense of clarity that I've ever had. *sigh* what have I been missing out on, all this time? Talking to God in the mornings gets me ready for my day in more ways than one. It puts whats most important in the front of my mind... shew. I'm such a dumb girl sometimes. but anyway, that's my new obsession... I wanna start getting up earlier to actually spend time in scripture. *crosses fingers* Here's to hopin' that happens. No, actually... here's to MAKING that happen, no matter what.
So, I finished Blue Like Jazz last night... and it blew me away. The end really packs a punch. I looove the endings of books like that, because the last chapter is like a crazy good summary of the whole book. The ending of Captivating I could read over and over again everyday. It's that good. shew... Now I need a new book to read. Actually, I should probably just re-read Cold Tangerines. That book makes me smile everytime I open and close it. But Blue Like Jazz, is such a great book for people to read... It gives such a, errr, what is the word I'm looking for... ew. I'll settle for likeable. It gives such a likeable approach to Christianity. Its not a, here's what you're doing wrong, here's 10 ways to fix it kinda book. It's a book that just so personable and relateable. The ideas represented are ideas that everyday boys and girls can relate to/resonate with. He really breaks it down and makes it approachable. Donald Miller keeps it simple... like it should be. There's my book review for today, and I don't even think it was a very good one... anyway. I used a lot of 'able' words in that. hahaha.
one hour and 20 minutes until class... still haven't decided what to do.
Communication is key... to everything. I'm realizing that more and more everyday thanks to you. The sun shines brighter and bigger than before, and everything is just so enhanced. so blessed.
I wish I wouldve brought my headphones, so I could be listening to music to ease my mind. Mannn. I always say I'm gonna remember right before I fall asleep. haha but I never do... I also had this great idea to throw a poptart in the toaster and fill a thermos up with milk before coming to school so I could have my breakfast on the way. That didn't happen either...
I would do anything to see Ryan Adams... and I mean, ANYTHING. ugh. Maybe I could ask dad for an eeearly birthday present?! haha 2 months 2 early... no big deal, right?! :) I would probably freak out and cry like I did when I saw Copeland, better yet when I met Aaron Marsh. Then it was excuseable though because I was like 17... now I'm 21 and I'd probably, definitely do the same! haha he's just so great...man.
I had a date with Jesus lastnight, and this is what it looked like:
laugh all you want. baths are my escape. for real.... they are another example of when I gain clarity. lastnight I just chilled in the dark, with 12 candles that didnt have enough wax to be burning, and I just let it all pour out to God... Its so so rewarding when you know and feel that He is listening. after that bath, I havent felt that good/beautiful/sure/ready in weeks.
what's your escape?
I need Sarah here to do my bump! I need to get bumped. I need to bump it up. bump it out. yaknow, whatever.
Ok. This is just rambling... shew. Sorryyyy if you were looking for something lifechanging. haha.
I hope you're smiling.
color wheels & clarity,
Brittani
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Don't worry your mind.
Hi.
hmmm... this is kind of odd, this whole saying hello to a new blogging site. I've had a livejournal, a xanga... and now this. I feel like I might be kind of betraying my xanga, even though I never write in it.
Welcome to my first blog on this site! So exciting, I know... I'm actually pumped to start writing online again. Something seems a little creepy about that, writing your life out for friends, and even strangers, to read... Something a little scandalous. I'll go with it.
Life is all but bad for miss Brittani as of late... New people, new friends, old friends coming back again, fallouts, makeups, new semesters, rearranging and changing. I've come to find that I strangely have grown to like c h a n g e. I used to HATE change. I liked staying the same... that comfortable sense of everything staying rightwhereitis. But change, has brought newness into my life... a newness that, I had almost lost hope on.
Something relevant and universal: worry. Ew...I even loathe typing the word. How did I get to the point where I let this wimpy little five letter word ruin my life?! I like to think worry is genetic. My dad is a worry wart... worry this, and worry this. worry where, and worry when? Ugh. Lately, I have been not worrying AS much... I've been making it a point to NOT worry. Everytime I start to worry, I usually catch myself and get back on the positivity train. But the past few days, this wimpy five letter word has turned into a giant warrior that I can't rid.
Jesus warns about worry, or dare I say fear... and how it gives the devil a foothold all throughout the bible. "Do not worry..." "Do not give way to fear..."
Matthew 21:21-- Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. 22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Something in that verse makes my heart sigh, makes it sink back into comfort. But doing what this verse says, takes work... all too much practice for a weary 21 yr old college student at times. If only I could see how much worth, how much p r o m i s e it has. It seems to me that if I could just start thinking that way... get the ball rolling, it will become easy to me. It still hasn't. The past 2 days I have sunk into that worrying mindset... now I'm having to drag myself out... again. But the grace and the solace of God, is good... and real. and available. and that's what helps me make it through these all but easy days. Knowing that everything God is doing in my life, has a purpose... a bigger purpose that maybe I can't see right now. But it's ALL for good. all of it.
...I get off subject a lot when I blog. so sue me.
My FAVORITE verse when it comes to dealing with stuff like this... "Whatever is not from faith, is sin." -Romans 14:23
I wrote a blog about this verse on myspace... I made a list of things that I was to do by faith alone. Did I do most of them? No... I need to pull that list back up and re-evaluate. I beat myself up far too much for my own good sometimes... People backslide, and forget, and slipup... but ahh, there it comes again... g r a c e. :)
Anyyyway... Back to Romans 14:23. This verse brings SO much clarity to my life on this very day. Being vulnerable to someone who deserves that and more, is from faith. Being brave in an uncomfortable situation, is from faith. Speaking your mind even when your voice shakes, is from faith. Its that kinda faith I want back in my life. I fell off that horse again. It's time to saddle up... be a brave woman of Christ and step out into the unknown, with both feet... not just halfway in. Closing yourself off to anything/anyone has nothing to do with faith... that's selfishness. You can't just close up because something bad happened to you, or because someone broke your heart before. It's all about the bigger picture. There are far too many kind hearts out there who want to prove to you otherwise... if you let them. I don't want to be selfish. I want to leave my heart wide open for someone who will tend to it like their favorite garden. I don't want to miss out because of my selfishness. Jesus did not close himself off to people in general after a few did him wrong continually. And I know, we are not Jesus... but we should try to live with that same humility, childlikeness, and FAITH.
.I.don't.want.to.miss.out.
better yet,
.I.refuse.to.
Thank you God, for making yourself more real to me than I have seen You in the past few months... Thank you for proving me wrong, and letting me be right every once in a while. Thank You for newness, happiness, warmth, joy, embarrassment, growth.
P.s. whatever brave soul has read to this far... I apologize for the randomness of this entry. I just type what's going through my head... Stream of consciousness writing. haha leave it to me to be as difficult as possible.
I just have to keep remembering... "The King is enthralled by your beauty." -psalm 45:11
Herrrrreee we go!
hmmm... this is kind of odd, this whole saying hello to a new blogging site. I've had a livejournal, a xanga... and now this. I feel like I might be kind of betraying my xanga, even though I never write in it.
Welcome to my first blog on this site! So exciting, I know... I'm actually pumped to start writing online again. Something seems a little creepy about that, writing your life out for friends, and even strangers, to read... Something a little scandalous. I'll go with it.
Life is all but bad for miss Brittani as of late... New people, new friends, old friends coming back again, fallouts, makeups, new semesters, rearranging and changing. I've come to find that I strangely have grown to like c h a n g e. I used to HATE change. I liked staying the same... that comfortable sense of everything staying rightwhereitis. But change, has brought newness into my life... a newness that, I had almost lost hope on.
Something relevant and universal: worry. Ew...I even loathe typing the word. How did I get to the point where I let this wimpy little five letter word ruin my life?! I like to think worry is genetic. My dad is a worry wart... worry this, and worry this. worry where, and worry when? Ugh. Lately, I have been not worrying AS much... I've been making it a point to NOT worry. Everytime I start to worry, I usually catch myself and get back on the positivity train. But the past few days, this wimpy five letter word has turned into a giant warrior that I can't rid.
Jesus warns about worry, or dare I say fear... and how it gives the devil a foothold all throughout the bible. "Do not worry..." "Do not give way to fear..."
Matthew 21:21-- Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. 22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Something in that verse makes my heart sigh, makes it sink back into comfort. But doing what this verse says, takes work... all too much practice for a weary 21 yr old college student at times. If only I could see how much worth, how much p r o m i s e it has. It seems to me that if I could just start thinking that way... get the ball rolling, it will become easy to me. It still hasn't. The past 2 days I have sunk into that worrying mindset... now I'm having to drag myself out... again. But the grace and the solace of God, is good... and real. and available. and that's what helps me make it through these all but easy days. Knowing that everything God is doing in my life, has a purpose... a bigger purpose that maybe I can't see right now. But it's ALL for good. all of it.
...I get off subject a lot when I blog. so sue me.
My FAVORITE verse when it comes to dealing with stuff like this... "Whatever is not from faith, is sin." -Romans 14:23
I wrote a blog about this verse on myspace... I made a list of things that I was to do by faith alone. Did I do most of them? No... I need to pull that list back up and re-evaluate. I beat myself up far too much for my own good sometimes... People backslide, and forget, and slipup... but ahh, there it comes again... g r a c e. :)
Anyyyway... Back to Romans 14:23. This verse brings SO much clarity to my life on this very day. Being vulnerable to someone who deserves that and more, is from faith. Being brave in an uncomfortable situation, is from faith. Speaking your mind even when your voice shakes, is from faith. Its that kinda faith I want back in my life. I fell off that horse again. It's time to saddle up... be a brave woman of Christ and step out into the unknown, with both feet... not just halfway in. Closing yourself off to anything/anyone has nothing to do with faith... that's selfishness. You can't just close up because something bad happened to you, or because someone broke your heart before. It's all about the bigger picture. There are far too many kind hearts out there who want to prove to you otherwise... if you let them. I don't want to be selfish. I want to leave my heart wide open for someone who will tend to it like their favorite garden. I don't want to miss out because of my selfishness. Jesus did not close himself off to people in general after a few did him wrong continually. And I know, we are not Jesus... but we should try to live with that same humility, childlikeness, and FAITH.
.I.don't.want.to.miss.out.
better yet,
.I.refuse.to.
Thank you God, for making yourself more real to me than I have seen You in the past few months... Thank you for proving me wrong, and letting me be right every once in a while. Thank You for newness, happiness, warmth, joy, embarrassment, growth.
P.s. whatever brave soul has read to this far... I apologize for the randomness of this entry. I just type what's going through my head... Stream of consciousness writing. haha leave it to me to be as difficult as possible.
I just have to keep remembering... "The King is enthralled by your beauty." -psalm 45:11
Herrrrreee we go!
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