I feel good today.
Good as in, hanging-in-the-balance-good, but that's better than gut-wrenching-heartbrokeness any day. I'll take it!
I realized so many things yesterday. God, being as SWEET as He has been to me, just put all of these realizations into my head. At first, they were mind-blowing, I mean... I couldn't even fathom them at first, and honestly, they were a little embarrassing. I felt redness come to my cheeks for a second. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, Brittani, this is the God of the UNIVERSE talkin' to you right now... Sayin' all these things about you... Why won't you believe them?" and then it hit me that maybe, just maybe, they could be... gulp... true? I feel more pursued than I have EVER felt in my lifetime... by someone who's not even in human form. It's insanity. I'm loving it, and soaking it alllll in.
It's breathed fresh air into my life. It really has. All I want for me and my life right now is just to know, and know big time, that God loves me... and boy has He been proving it. It's been quite the journey in just the past day or so. I can't believe He can take a person who is broken and on the ground, and pull them up to a straight standing and walking, not fully running, but walking again. That's the glory of an amaaaazing God right there. Amazingamazingamazing.
So, my day will be filled with an 8 hour shift of chaos on a Saturday night at the Bucks. Followed by a very sleepy night at my dad's house. Followed by a very early morning, back at the Bucks again. Followed by studying, and papers, and exit exams... but oh, how He loves us. :)
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I love:
...The fact that my 'snow outfit' is still laying on my bed at my dad's. This being, the scraping together of any kind of warm clothing that I have left here to wear out in the snow on those free days we get to spend together. I'm most of the time always here when it snows.
...The fact that I left my glasses at my house, therefore I'm having to squint and close one eye to type this clearly.
...My dad being so protective, so loving, so funny, so encouraging. My dad...being my dad.
...When inspiration hits you like a brick wall, and you can't do anything but lay back and soak it all in.
...Realizing that heartbreak isn't what THIS is all about. THIS is all about catching and holding onto those little pieces of moments of life that make life what it REALLY is. The laugh lines, the rough hands, the laughs, the beer buzzes, the blaring music, those fleeting moments that we can't get back no matter how much we might miss them one day. That is why it is important that we relish in them now, hold onto them as tight as we can. This is why we don't focus on the things that don't make us feel special, or loved, because we all are. So, so, so much.
...Knowing that I really am worth all that it takes to love someone, and not feeling bad about asking for all of that, and waiting until all of that...is all there.
...Hearing taz breathing, even his barking in the middle of the night because of puppy nightmares.
...The lazy Sunday breakfast I am about to have with dad and Pam.
...The fact that I am going to be on the other side of the country in less than 2 days. My feet will be splashing around in the Pacific and I will have no worries.
...The fact that tulips will soon be blooming outside my window.
...The fact that I'm tired enough now to pass out within the
next....
few....
seconds...
Goodnight, world. <3
...The fact that I left my glasses at my house, therefore I'm having to squint and close one eye to type this clearly.
...My dad being so protective, so loving, so funny, so encouraging. My dad...being my dad.
...When inspiration hits you like a brick wall, and you can't do anything but lay back and soak it all in.
...Realizing that heartbreak isn't what THIS is all about. THIS is all about catching and holding onto those little pieces of moments of life that make life what it REALLY is. The laugh lines, the rough hands, the laughs, the beer buzzes, the blaring music, those fleeting moments that we can't get back no matter how much we might miss them one day. That is why it is important that we relish in them now, hold onto them as tight as we can. This is why we don't focus on the things that don't make us feel special, or loved, because we all are. So, so, so much.
...Knowing that I really am worth all that it takes to love someone, and not feeling bad about asking for all of that, and waiting until all of that...is all there.
...Hearing taz breathing, even his barking in the middle of the night because of puppy nightmares.
...The lazy Sunday breakfast I am about to have with dad and Pam.
...The fact that I am going to be on the other side of the country in less than 2 days. My feet will be splashing around in the Pacific and I will have no worries.
...The fact that tulips will soon be blooming outside my window.
...The fact that I'm tired enough now to pass out within the
next....
few....
seconds...
Goodnight, world. <3
Monday, March 1, 2010
It is... what it is.
And it's sad... and a damn shame.
But that's what it is.
I can't hide from the fact any longer.
This is literally making me sick. There are things that I see that make me want to just fucking SCREAM. I'm so disappointed and mad at no one but myself. I could never be mad at you for something you made as plain as daylight from the beginning. Not to say you made ANYTHING easy for me.
Damnit. I'm so mad that I can't see anything else around me right now. All I see is this. By morning the clouds will have cleared and my heart will (hopefully) see the promise of better days to come. But for tonight, it's all I can do to keep from driving until I have no idea where I am.
And it's sad... and a damn shame.
But that's what it is.
I can't hide from the fact any longer.
This is literally making me sick. There are things that I see that make me want to just fucking SCREAM. I'm so disappointed and mad at no one but myself. I could never be mad at you for something you made as plain as daylight from the beginning. Not to say you made ANYTHING easy for me.
Damnit. I'm so mad that I can't see anything else around me right now. All I see is this. By morning the clouds will have cleared and my heart will (hopefully) see the promise of better days to come. But for tonight, it's all I can do to keep from driving until I have no idea where I am.
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