This whole week has been so...refreshing. It's brought me back to life in a way. I was stuck in a rut. I get in those a lot. That's the thing about me.
This past week has brought me back to that loving place. Loving life and the small intricate details that go along with it. I officially turned in my application to GCSU yesterday. Totally unplanned. I was meaning to only finish one of the two short essays, but I was in the unexplainable dreamy state of writing, so I kept going...and going...and going. And voila! Two finished essays, revised, edited, and ready to send in. Clicking the submit button made my heart race. It just feels a bit unreal. The whole really transitioning into the next level, stage, whathaveyou, of life feeling. It's really happening. I'm stepping out. Now I've got a month or so to be walking out on that tight rope, ready to lose my balance and fall at any minute. Here's hoping.
It was crazy, because, during prayer today after realizing how much it's going to cost me (hopefully not) to actually go to this school, I was praying feverishly to God. "How am I gonna pay for this? I'll be damned if I pay THAT much for a two year education...I'm not gonna put that on myself, better yet my dad. That burden. There's just no way in hell." In the middle of all of this I felt something rising up quickly, about to reveal itself...and I kept going...and sure enough:
"Brittani. I've got this."
I know You do, God. But you're gonna have to remind me of it everyday. And I know You will. But will You give me the ears to listen? And the eyes to see? I sure have a bad habit of hearing and seeing what I want to, ya know...
Coffee is brewing and I've got a few lists to make out before work this evening.
Good day to you. <3
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
there's always someone throwin' matches around.
"It is not Christlike to shrink in subservience or cower in insecurity. Some women wait indefinitely for a man, another woman, anyone else to fix things, start things, dream things. She doesn't acknowledge her intellect or her ability to implement it. There is no sense of initiative, no stirrings of vision. Had this been Tamar's position, she would've died a widow in her father's house, having no part in the lineage of Christ. Through her story, I am inspired with challenge and resolve. Some of us need to hand over the helpless card and stand on the two good legs God gave us. It's time to activate our smarts and instead of waiting for a solution, become the solution."
"While the devil keeps women sidelined with insecurity and complacency, every soul awaiting our intervention suffers--our children and husbands, the poor and oppressed, our local and international community. We are the answer to so many problems, sisters, yet scores are unwilling to fight."
"I assumed that if God was that clear, I better just do it and let Him worry over the impossibilities. Faith is rather dumb like that."
It is high time I take back what was taken from me. Taken from me with my permission, but nonetheless taken. Robbed. It is time for the tape to come off of my mouth. Time for the dreams to awake me in the mornings again with a new sense of direction and hope. Time to be the girl I was before all of this nonsense convinced me otherwise. There is a world out there with people who need me to be fully and wholly me. It is time to regain consciousness. It is time. Armed with a most powerful force, we are unstoppable. Let the rain come and wash it all away.
"While the devil keeps women sidelined with insecurity and complacency, every soul awaiting our intervention suffers--our children and husbands, the poor and oppressed, our local and international community. We are the answer to so many problems, sisters, yet scores are unwilling to fight."
"I assumed that if God was that clear, I better just do it and let Him worry over the impossibilities. Faith is rather dumb like that."
It is high time I take back what was taken from me. Taken from me with my permission, but nonetheless taken. Robbed. It is time for the tape to come off of my mouth. Time for the dreams to awake me in the mornings again with a new sense of direction and hope. Time to be the girl I was before all of this nonsense convinced me otherwise. There is a world out there with people who need me to be fully and wholly me. It is time to regain consciousness. It is time. Armed with a most powerful force, we are unstoppable. Let the rain come and wash it all away.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Reckless
–adjective
1.
utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless (usually fol. by of ): to be reckless of danger.
This word perfectly describes me on this past Sunday. I was completely and incredibly reckless. I regret being this way, but am so thankful for the difference that I learned between reckless and free-spirited on that day. You see, before Sunday, I thought these two intertwined into one meaning. I was so wrong.
I am signed up for these letters from Ransomed Heart, a ministry that John Eldredge (favorite writer) and his wife dedicate their lives to. These letters are my lifeline each month. Every one that I open up is like a best-kept secret. After I read these letters, I feel like I've gained a new piece of knowledge that I didn't know before. They really do make my days and my overall life better. They are brilliant, adventurous people who are so in love with God.
So, one day, I receive my usual monthly letter from them... except, this letter was different. This letter felt like I hit the jackpot, man. What it held was so dear and spoke directly to MY heart. It felt like it was written just to and for only me. It was that tailor-made. It spoke of how God writes desires on our hearts, and how He TRULY wants us to be happy. It said that we should do things that make us happy, because those things bring us closer to God. I was SO ecstatic to read this because for MONTHS my head and heart have been arguing on right and wrong, so forth and so on. So, finally, here's my answer... Do what makes me happy! I couldn't be more stoked on life. So each day, I would do things that would make me happy... and by little and little, they did bring me closer to God, because afterall, I was fulfilling desires that HE had written on my heart. I started with little things... making my very first pitcher of sweet Southern tea, doing something totally unexpected, sitting out on my swing at night, learning guitar...
then one day I decided I wanted to go cliff jumping. I wanted to go allllll last summer and never got the chance to, so I was SET on going this summer. Keep in mind, I've been cliff jumping before... when I was a little younger, around 15-16, so not THAT long ago... Ok, ok, almost 1o years. Whoa. So I treated this desire as any other desire, I was doing it. I wanted to be happy and close to my God, who wanted to see me happy. So, off I go to Warrior's to meet Shellie, Matt and Jacoby. I even wore my TOMS shoes that had "Just Jump." painted on the sides of them, not even planning it that way. I wanted to jump in shoes because I hadn't swam in a lake in a while... and well, I just thought it'd be safer that way. So we walk for what seemed like forever out to the cliffs. When we get there, it didn't look so bad... and we were standing on the 60ft one, but I was relieved to know that there was a 45ft one directly below it. So Shellie and I walk down to that one, which looked even better. "I can definitely do this," I thought to myself. "I've done it before..." and I knew that Matt and Jacoby were trained for emergencies, so we were set. We made the boys go first. They jumped off the 60ft one. It looked so fun, but I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage... I knew I was going to do it. I knew I was on this kick of doing crazy things that made me happy even if I didn't have an explanation for them... so I took a couple steps, closed my eyes, and jumped out. I landed in the water the first time kinda awkwardly, but I came back up. The only thing that I was thinking about was, "that was scary as HELL" and I had so much water go up my nose from the impact. I felt on top of the world. It was such an adrenaline rush. So I swam to the rocks to climb up to go again, even though I knew I would probably be pushing my luck with a second time around. I'm no pro at extreme sports or anything. So the boys have jumped again by now. So it's back to me. I said I wanted a boy to jump first "just in case"... so Matt jumps in. I ask for a countdown... step off on my left foot and just... jumped. I knew before I even hit the water that I had jumped off the ledge weird, and when I hit the water, it was the most painful thing Ive ever experienced. I won't go into detail about what happened next, because God knows this is getting long enough, and it's something I'll never forget for as long as I live. I replay it over and over while Im laying in bed trying to decide which way I want to lay that is the least painful for me, because there is no pain-free position, and there probably won't even be again, thanks to my stupidity and an injury that will never heal itself without surgery, which Im not too keen on the idea of right now. I knew I should've jumped off my right foot, because I am a completely right-bodied person. I do everything with my right side. I knew I should have pointed my feet, so I would've hit the water in the right position. I KNEW all of this stuff. I wasn't thinking. About anything. All I was thinking of was just DOING it. Just being in the moment, and going for it, no matter the consequences. All I was thinking of was just jumping... and everything else would take care of itself.
However, what I will say is that I am a VERY lucky girl that I'm not paralyzed, that I didn't break my back, and that I'm even alive and typing right now.
After the ER and settling in, I try to take a shower... and it hits me while washing my hair quickly became one of the most painful activities ever; I start apologizing to God. I apologize for being so stupid and reckless with my life, for just assuming that He would take care of me. Thankfully, He did... I know that He was with me that day. But what was my deal?? What was I thinking? Why didn't I think about that more? Think about the way I was jumping... how I needed to prepare myself for doing extreme activities like that. And while thinking about that, I think about the fact that it's not only my physical body that I'm wreckless with... Isn't being wreckless with your heart the same thing? Isn't it just as bad? Needless to say, a lightbulb came on that night... and I hope to God I think something that crazy through before attempting it again.
And I learned the difference... There is a difference from being free-spirited and doing things that make you happy, and being reckless and deciding to do something dangerous on a whim. I didn't care about the outcome. I just cared about me doing something insane and on the verge of danger. There is such a difference. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He also wants us to be c a r e f u l, and when we put ourselves in the line of fire, it becomes completely different. When we become reckless with our hearts and bodies, that line between happiness and stupidity begins to blur... BIG time. We should be happy, we should be very happy indeed, but what is happiness with tragedy attached to it, following close behind it? Cliff jumping isn't the only reckless stunt I've been pulling lately. and I'm sorry for that, God. You kept me here and safe that day because there's still something huge I'm supposed to be doing for You. There's still that adventure that we're going on that I temporarily forgot about. There's still that life that You want me to live that hasn't even began yet... There's still that person's life that I'm meant to touch, there's still that person that's mean to touch mine. There's still those words I'm supposed to speak to that one person from You. There's still that one day I'm supposed to be there for. There's still that one song that Im supposed to sing. There's still SO MUCH that I'm meant for. Thank you thank you thank YOU so much for this life. I AM happy, and I'm only getting closer to You. Everyday, closer. This summer is going to be the most special summer of my life.
Please stop being reckless with your bodies. Unfortunately, we're not cats and we don't get 9 lives; it can be taken as easily as it was given to you. NO one is invincible.
Please stop being reckless with your hearts. Save it. You're gonna need it one day for the big time.
I love my friends and my family and everyone and everything that make this life so liveable. <3
This word perfectly describes me on this past Sunday. I was completely and incredibly reckless. I regret being this way, but am so thankful for the difference that I learned between reckless and free-spirited on that day. You see, before Sunday, I thought these two intertwined into one meaning. I was so wrong.
I am signed up for these letters from Ransomed Heart, a ministry that John Eldredge (favorite writer) and his wife dedicate their lives to. These letters are my lifeline each month. Every one that I open up is like a best-kept secret. After I read these letters, I feel like I've gained a new piece of knowledge that I didn't know before. They really do make my days and my overall life better. They are brilliant, adventurous people who are so in love with God.
So, one day, I receive my usual monthly letter from them... except, this letter was different. This letter felt like I hit the jackpot, man. What it held was so dear and spoke directly to MY heart. It felt like it was written just to and for only me. It was that tailor-made. It spoke of how God writes desires on our hearts, and how He TRULY wants us to be happy. It said that we should do things that make us happy, because those things bring us closer to God. I was SO ecstatic to read this because for MONTHS my head and heart have been arguing on right and wrong, so forth and so on. So, finally, here's my answer... Do what makes me happy! I couldn't be more stoked on life. So each day, I would do things that would make me happy... and by little and little, they did bring me closer to God, because afterall, I was fulfilling desires that HE had written on my heart. I started with little things... making my very first pitcher of sweet Southern tea, doing something totally unexpected, sitting out on my swing at night, learning guitar...
then one day I decided I wanted to go cliff jumping. I wanted to go allllll last summer and never got the chance to, so I was SET on going this summer. Keep in mind, I've been cliff jumping before... when I was a little younger, around 15-16, so not THAT long ago... Ok, ok, almost 1o years. Whoa. So I treated this desire as any other desire, I was doing it. I wanted to be happy and close to my God, who wanted to see me happy. So, off I go to Warrior's to meet Shellie, Matt and Jacoby. I even wore my TOMS shoes that had "Just Jump." painted on the sides of them, not even planning it that way. I wanted to jump in shoes because I hadn't swam in a lake in a while... and well, I just thought it'd be safer that way. So we walk for what seemed like forever out to the cliffs. When we get there, it didn't look so bad... and we were standing on the 60ft one, but I was relieved to know that there was a 45ft one directly below it. So Shellie and I walk down to that one, which looked even better. "I can definitely do this," I thought to myself. "I've done it before..." and I knew that Matt and Jacoby were trained for emergencies, so we were set. We made the boys go first. They jumped off the 60ft one. It looked so fun, but I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage... I knew I was going to do it. I knew I was on this kick of doing crazy things that made me happy even if I didn't have an explanation for them... so I took a couple steps, closed my eyes, and jumped out. I landed in the water the first time kinda awkwardly, but I came back up. The only thing that I was thinking about was, "that was scary as HELL" and I had so much water go up my nose from the impact. I felt on top of the world. It was such an adrenaline rush. So I swam to the rocks to climb up to go again, even though I knew I would probably be pushing my luck with a second time around. I'm no pro at extreme sports or anything. So the boys have jumped again by now. So it's back to me. I said I wanted a boy to jump first "just in case"... so Matt jumps in. I ask for a countdown... step off on my left foot and just... jumped. I knew before I even hit the water that I had jumped off the ledge weird, and when I hit the water, it was the most painful thing Ive ever experienced. I won't go into detail about what happened next, because God knows this is getting long enough, and it's something I'll never forget for as long as I live. I replay it over and over while Im laying in bed trying to decide which way I want to lay that is the least painful for me, because there is no pain-free position, and there probably won't even be again, thanks to my stupidity and an injury that will never heal itself without surgery, which Im not too keen on the idea of right now. I knew I should've jumped off my right foot, because I am a completely right-bodied person. I do everything with my right side. I knew I should have pointed my feet, so I would've hit the water in the right position. I KNEW all of this stuff. I wasn't thinking. About anything. All I was thinking of was just DOING it. Just being in the moment, and going for it, no matter the consequences. All I was thinking of was just jumping... and everything else would take care of itself.
However, what I will say is that I am a VERY lucky girl that I'm not paralyzed, that I didn't break my back, and that I'm even alive and typing right now.
After the ER and settling in, I try to take a shower... and it hits me while washing my hair quickly became one of the most painful activities ever; I start apologizing to God. I apologize for being so stupid and reckless with my life, for just assuming that He would take care of me. Thankfully, He did... I know that He was with me that day. But what was my deal?? What was I thinking? Why didn't I think about that more? Think about the way I was jumping... how I needed to prepare myself for doing extreme activities like that. And while thinking about that, I think about the fact that it's not only my physical body that I'm wreckless with... Isn't being wreckless with your heart the same thing? Isn't it just as bad? Needless to say, a lightbulb came on that night... and I hope to God I think something that crazy through before attempting it again.
And I learned the difference... There is a difference from being free-spirited and doing things that make you happy, and being reckless and deciding to do something dangerous on a whim. I didn't care about the outcome. I just cared about me doing something insane and on the verge of danger. There is such a difference. Yes, He wants us to be happy, but He also wants us to be c a r e f u l, and when we put ourselves in the line of fire, it becomes completely different. When we become reckless with our hearts and bodies, that line between happiness and stupidity begins to blur... BIG time. We should be happy, we should be very happy indeed, but what is happiness with tragedy attached to it, following close behind it? Cliff jumping isn't the only reckless stunt I've been pulling lately. and I'm sorry for that, God. You kept me here and safe that day because there's still something huge I'm supposed to be doing for You. There's still that adventure that we're going on that I temporarily forgot about. There's still that life that You want me to live that hasn't even began yet... There's still that person's life that I'm meant to touch, there's still that person that's mean to touch mine. There's still those words I'm supposed to speak to that one person from You. There's still that one day I'm supposed to be there for. There's still that one song that Im supposed to sing. There's still SO MUCH that I'm meant for. Thank you thank you thank YOU so much for this life. I AM happy, and I'm only getting closer to You. Everyday, closer. This summer is going to be the most special summer of my life.
Please stop being reckless with your bodies. Unfortunately, we're not cats and we don't get 9 lives; it can be taken as easily as it was given to you. NO one is invincible.
Please stop being reckless with your hearts. Save it. You're gonna need it one day for the big time.
I love my friends and my family and everyone and everything that make this life so liveable. <3
Monday, May 3, 2010
d e l i c i o u s
Delicious is one of my favorite words as of late. Because... well... a lot of things are, delicious. I mean a lot of things. The sky, the wind, the weather, the mountains, life in general, people I meet... all just as delicious as an ice cream cone or a slice of your favorite dessert.
So... Whatever happened to meeting up with someone? Like they used to do before seeing each other was allowed? I guess technically "forbidden love" would be the term. Before mommy and daddy allowed you to date, or if they hated the guy and forbid you to ever see him again, and vice versa. That sort of thing is delicious. That anxious gut wrenching feeling... "I'm gonna see him soon. Any minute now he's gonna pull up or walk up behind me. I've gotta pretend like I'm not nervous, pretend I'm a confident woman." Ha. We are all so hilarious with that kind of thing, aren't we? But that butterflies in your tummy feeling, man, that is delicious. Those fleeting nervous moments that are gone all too fast, and we wait for their return for what seems like a lifetime. But honestly... I don't know how we went from that kind of scandalous stuff to what seems so routine today. Dinner and a movie. Not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with that. I love a good dinner and movie night... Those can be delicious too. But, let's change it up a little bit. Let's meet at Roan at 6pm to watch the sunset. Let's wake up one morning and drive to the closest, or furthest beach. Let's trespass. Let's walk downtown in the middle of a downpour. Let's make dinner instead of going out. Let's sleep in and read the paper in bed. Let's laugh and make silly jokes about things our friends wouldn't understand. Let's love each other with all we've got and be true to each other. Let's go against the grain. Let's be best friends and tell each other everything, even if it will hurt one anothers feelings. Let's be real. Let's have four hour phone conversations like we did in high school. Let's support each other. Let's tell each other about our days. Let's play the 20 questions game. Let's get to know each other. Let's have dinner with each other's parents and really get to know them instead of asking the bare minimum. Let's ride bikes and smoke cigarettes... at the same time. Let's compliment and chase our passions together. Let's sit out on the porch and play music to our pets, our neighbors, or even just each other. Let's stay up late watching movies or reading each others favorite books. Let's kiss all night. Let's hold hands. Let's not be a statistic. Let's be real love.
Ice Cream - Sarah Mclachlan should be playing while you are reading this right now.
Something happened to me the other day. It was, for lack of better words, something right out of a movie. I'm not talking fairytale, dip me then kiss me, kind of thing. Just one of those realistic moments where you run into someone and you're like... "hey, I didn't try to make that happen. I wasn't even looking for it to happen. I wasn't even thinking about it. It just happened." Yeah, you guessed it, those moments are pretty delicious too. It's nice to get reminders from God that these things still happen without making them, or wanting them to so bad that they never do, or seem like they will. It was a breath of fresh air to say the least. Refreshing in the very best way.
And then there are those thoughts that occur to me on days where my mind wanders from the beaten path and far from the home Ive nestled into for the past few months, and whatifwhatifwhatif? comes up. There's something that happens when that time comes... I can't explain. It's like a permanent eraser that I can count on to trail not too far off behind it. I can look over my shoulder and that eraser is making its way toward all of the whatifwhatifwhatif's I've conjured up in those past few minutes. That eraser is a damn lifesaver. I've taken the best moments though... and I've stored them on a shelf in my heart, pulling them out and flipping through them from past times, just to remind myself that with the bad...comes the good.
You'll always wonder and I'll always know. There is so much meaning in that one lyric that I can't even put into words beyond that. It travels deep into the heart of the matter. It's sad and revealing at the same time. One day it will be different. It will be matchless. Wanting and giving. Giving and wanting. All maneuvers flowing at the same time with perfect motion.
I graduate next Tuesday. Only 4 more finals to go for this semester. I know that this summer will be deciding, and incredible at the same time. I'm embarking on a journey with God, pen and paper in hand, discovering what I really love and what I feel like I can do for the rest of my life to glorify Him and make me happy... These passions that are here, I can't ignore, and I know they were put here for a reason... by Him. I'm eager to see what kind of twist God is going to put on things. I'm closing a chapter. I'm opening the door to the next. This isn't about baby steps anymore. This is about stepping out of the kiddie pool and into the ocean. This is about real and raw l i f e. It's out there just waiting to be lived and experienced. Transformed into something revolutionary.
Will I move?
Will I stay?
Will I ever stop being such a damn mess? (God: No, I don't see that ever happening, Britt.)
I hope that everyone is all living their lives to the fullest. Cliche, I know... But, really. Drink it in. Play it. Sing it. Touch it. Dance with it. It's your life, baby, here and now. What are you not saying? What are you holding back? What do you want to do? What do you want to say? Who do you want to love? Who do you want to let go of? This life is so fleeting and momentary. What a waste to hold anything back.
Kaylie is coming in Thursday and I plan to just b e with her. Camp, laugh a whole hell of a lot, learn, relaaaax, discover, be silly. This semester has been rough, but spring is here and there are blue skies on the horizon.
I hope that this finds you well, and happy, and delicious. <3
P.s. Listen to Patty Griffin and let your life be changed. She's an angel.
"and summer comes marchin' in
with its heavy boots on
kickin along the blacktop
sidewalks of A1A
young girls and their bare feet
cigarettes smokin
lookin every which way
wishin and hopin
and you want the night just to let you sleep
and be on his way
wrap you up in some cool sheets
and have nothin to say"
So... Whatever happened to meeting up with someone? Like they used to do before seeing each other was allowed? I guess technically "forbidden love" would be the term. Before mommy and daddy allowed you to date, or if they hated the guy and forbid you to ever see him again, and vice versa. That sort of thing is delicious. That anxious gut wrenching feeling... "I'm gonna see him soon. Any minute now he's gonna pull up or walk up behind me. I've gotta pretend like I'm not nervous, pretend I'm a confident woman." Ha. We are all so hilarious with that kind of thing, aren't we? But that butterflies in your tummy feeling, man, that is delicious. Those fleeting nervous moments that are gone all too fast, and we wait for their return for what seems like a lifetime. But honestly... I don't know how we went from that kind of scandalous stuff to what seems so routine today. Dinner and a movie. Not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with that. I love a good dinner and movie night... Those can be delicious too. But, let's change it up a little bit. Let's meet at Roan at 6pm to watch the sunset. Let's wake up one morning and drive to the closest, or furthest beach. Let's trespass. Let's walk downtown in the middle of a downpour. Let's make dinner instead of going out. Let's sleep in and read the paper in bed. Let's laugh and make silly jokes about things our friends wouldn't understand. Let's love each other with all we've got and be true to each other. Let's go against the grain. Let's be best friends and tell each other everything, even if it will hurt one anothers feelings. Let's be real. Let's have four hour phone conversations like we did in high school. Let's support each other. Let's tell each other about our days. Let's play the 20 questions game. Let's get to know each other. Let's have dinner with each other's parents and really get to know them instead of asking the bare minimum. Let's ride bikes and smoke cigarettes... at the same time. Let's compliment and chase our passions together. Let's sit out on the porch and play music to our pets, our neighbors, or even just each other. Let's stay up late watching movies or reading each others favorite books. Let's kiss all night. Let's hold hands. Let's not be a statistic. Let's be real love.
Ice Cream - Sarah Mclachlan should be playing while you are reading this right now.
Something happened to me the other day. It was, for lack of better words, something right out of a movie. I'm not talking fairytale, dip me then kiss me, kind of thing. Just one of those realistic moments where you run into someone and you're like... "hey, I didn't try to make that happen. I wasn't even looking for it to happen. I wasn't even thinking about it. It just happened." Yeah, you guessed it, those moments are pretty delicious too. It's nice to get reminders from God that these things still happen without making them, or wanting them to so bad that they never do, or seem like they will. It was a breath of fresh air to say the least. Refreshing in the very best way.
And then there are those thoughts that occur to me on days where my mind wanders from the beaten path and far from the home Ive nestled into for the past few months, and whatifwhatifwhatif? comes up. There's something that happens when that time comes... I can't explain. It's like a permanent eraser that I can count on to trail not too far off behind it. I can look over my shoulder and that eraser is making its way toward all of the whatifwhatifwhatif's I've conjured up in those past few minutes. That eraser is a damn lifesaver. I've taken the best moments though... and I've stored them on a shelf in my heart, pulling them out and flipping through them from past times, just to remind myself that with the bad...comes the good.
You'll always wonder and I'll always know. There is so much meaning in that one lyric that I can't even put into words beyond that. It travels deep into the heart of the matter. It's sad and revealing at the same time. One day it will be different. It will be matchless. Wanting and giving. Giving and wanting. All maneuvers flowing at the same time with perfect motion.
I graduate next Tuesday. Only 4 more finals to go for this semester. I know that this summer will be deciding, and incredible at the same time. I'm embarking on a journey with God, pen and paper in hand, discovering what I really love and what I feel like I can do for the rest of my life to glorify Him and make me happy... These passions that are here, I can't ignore, and I know they were put here for a reason... by Him. I'm eager to see what kind of twist God is going to put on things. I'm closing a chapter. I'm opening the door to the next. This isn't about baby steps anymore. This is about stepping out of the kiddie pool and into the ocean. This is about real and raw l i f e. It's out there just waiting to be lived and experienced. Transformed into something revolutionary.
Will I move?
Will I stay?
Will I ever stop being such a damn mess? (God: No, I don't see that ever happening, Britt.)
I hope that everyone is all living their lives to the fullest. Cliche, I know... But, really. Drink it in. Play it. Sing it. Touch it. Dance with it. It's your life, baby, here and now. What are you not saying? What are you holding back? What do you want to do? What do you want to say? Who do you want to love? Who do you want to let go of? This life is so fleeting and momentary. What a waste to hold anything back.
Kaylie is coming in Thursday and I plan to just b e with her. Camp, laugh a whole hell of a lot, learn, relaaaax, discover, be silly. This semester has been rough, but spring is here and there are blue skies on the horizon.
I hope that this finds you well, and happy, and delicious. <3
P.s. Listen to Patty Griffin and let your life be changed. She's an angel.
"and summer comes marchin' in
with its heavy boots on
kickin along the blacktop
sidewalks of A1A
young girls and their bare feet
cigarettes smokin
lookin every which way
wishin and hopin
and you want the night just to let you sleep
and be on his way
wrap you up in some cool sheets
and have nothin to say"
Saturday, March 20, 2010
4.2 cups of coffee
I feel good today.
Good as in, hanging-in-the-balance-good, but that's better than gut-wrenching-heartbrokeness any day. I'll take it!
I realized so many things yesterday. God, being as SWEET as He has been to me, just put all of these realizations into my head. At first, they were mind-blowing, I mean... I couldn't even fathom them at first, and honestly, they were a little embarrassing. I felt redness come to my cheeks for a second. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, Brittani, this is the God of the UNIVERSE talkin' to you right now... Sayin' all these things about you... Why won't you believe them?" and then it hit me that maybe, just maybe, they could be... gulp... true? I feel more pursued than I have EVER felt in my lifetime... by someone who's not even in human form. It's insanity. I'm loving it, and soaking it alllll in.
It's breathed fresh air into my life. It really has. All I want for me and my life right now is just to know, and know big time, that God loves me... and boy has He been proving it. It's been quite the journey in just the past day or so. I can't believe He can take a person who is broken and on the ground, and pull them up to a straight standing and walking, not fully running, but walking again. That's the glory of an amaaaazing God right there. Amazingamazingamazing.
So, my day will be filled with an 8 hour shift of chaos on a Saturday night at the Bucks. Followed by a very sleepy night at my dad's house. Followed by a very early morning, back at the Bucks again. Followed by studying, and papers, and exit exams... but oh, how He loves us. :)
Good as in, hanging-in-the-balance-good, but that's better than gut-wrenching-heartbrokeness any day. I'll take it!
I realized so many things yesterday. God, being as SWEET as He has been to me, just put all of these realizations into my head. At first, they were mind-blowing, I mean... I couldn't even fathom them at first, and honestly, they were a little embarrassing. I felt redness come to my cheeks for a second. Then I thought to myself, "Hey, Brittani, this is the God of the UNIVERSE talkin' to you right now... Sayin' all these things about you... Why won't you believe them?" and then it hit me that maybe, just maybe, they could be... gulp... true? I feel more pursued than I have EVER felt in my lifetime... by someone who's not even in human form. It's insanity. I'm loving it, and soaking it alllll in.
It's breathed fresh air into my life. It really has. All I want for me and my life right now is just to know, and know big time, that God loves me... and boy has He been proving it. It's been quite the journey in just the past day or so. I can't believe He can take a person who is broken and on the ground, and pull them up to a straight standing and walking, not fully running, but walking again. That's the glory of an amaaaazing God right there. Amazingamazingamazing.
So, my day will be filled with an 8 hour shift of chaos on a Saturday night at the Bucks. Followed by a very sleepy night at my dad's house. Followed by a very early morning, back at the Bucks again. Followed by studying, and papers, and exit exams... but oh, how He loves us. :)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I love:
...The fact that my 'snow outfit' is still laying on my bed at my dad's. This being, the scraping together of any kind of warm clothing that I have left here to wear out in the snow on those free days we get to spend together. I'm most of the time always here when it snows.
...The fact that I left my glasses at my house, therefore I'm having to squint and close one eye to type this clearly.
...My dad being so protective, so loving, so funny, so encouraging. My dad...being my dad.
...When inspiration hits you like a brick wall, and you can't do anything but lay back and soak it all in.
...Realizing that heartbreak isn't what THIS is all about. THIS is all about catching and holding onto those little pieces of moments of life that make life what it REALLY is. The laugh lines, the rough hands, the laughs, the beer buzzes, the blaring music, those fleeting moments that we can't get back no matter how much we might miss them one day. That is why it is important that we relish in them now, hold onto them as tight as we can. This is why we don't focus on the things that don't make us feel special, or loved, because we all are. So, so, so much.
...Knowing that I really am worth all that it takes to love someone, and not feeling bad about asking for all of that, and waiting until all of that...is all there.
...Hearing taz breathing, even his barking in the middle of the night because of puppy nightmares.
...The lazy Sunday breakfast I am about to have with dad and Pam.
...The fact that I am going to be on the other side of the country in less than 2 days. My feet will be splashing around in the Pacific and I will have no worries.
...The fact that tulips will soon be blooming outside my window.
...The fact that I'm tired enough now to pass out within the
next....
few....
seconds...
Goodnight, world. <3
...The fact that I left my glasses at my house, therefore I'm having to squint and close one eye to type this clearly.
...My dad being so protective, so loving, so funny, so encouraging. My dad...being my dad.
...When inspiration hits you like a brick wall, and you can't do anything but lay back and soak it all in.
...Realizing that heartbreak isn't what THIS is all about. THIS is all about catching and holding onto those little pieces of moments of life that make life what it REALLY is. The laugh lines, the rough hands, the laughs, the beer buzzes, the blaring music, those fleeting moments that we can't get back no matter how much we might miss them one day. That is why it is important that we relish in them now, hold onto them as tight as we can. This is why we don't focus on the things that don't make us feel special, or loved, because we all are. So, so, so much.
...Knowing that I really am worth all that it takes to love someone, and not feeling bad about asking for all of that, and waiting until all of that...is all there.
...Hearing taz breathing, even his barking in the middle of the night because of puppy nightmares.
...The lazy Sunday breakfast I am about to have with dad and Pam.
...The fact that I am going to be on the other side of the country in less than 2 days. My feet will be splashing around in the Pacific and I will have no worries.
...The fact that tulips will soon be blooming outside my window.
...The fact that I'm tired enough now to pass out within the
next....
few....
seconds...
Goodnight, world. <3
Monday, March 1, 2010
It is... what it is.
And it's sad... and a damn shame.
But that's what it is.
I can't hide from the fact any longer.
This is literally making me sick. There are things that I see that make me want to just fucking SCREAM. I'm so disappointed and mad at no one but myself. I could never be mad at you for something you made as plain as daylight from the beginning. Not to say you made ANYTHING easy for me.
Damnit. I'm so mad that I can't see anything else around me right now. All I see is this. By morning the clouds will have cleared and my heart will (hopefully) see the promise of better days to come. But for tonight, it's all I can do to keep from driving until I have no idea where I am.
And it's sad... and a damn shame.
But that's what it is.
I can't hide from the fact any longer.
This is literally making me sick. There are things that I see that make me want to just fucking SCREAM. I'm so disappointed and mad at no one but myself. I could never be mad at you for something you made as plain as daylight from the beginning. Not to say you made ANYTHING easy for me.
Damnit. I'm so mad that I can't see anything else around me right now. All I see is this. By morning the clouds will have cleared and my heart will (hopefully) see the promise of better days to come. But for tonight, it's all I can do to keep from driving until I have no idea where I am.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Titleless, or, without title.
I can't figure this out. I don't even know why it's happening, honestly. I'm blogging to Sade right now...that in itself, is a little loony. I wanted to go somewhere with this blog but I just NOW decided, right here in this uncomfortable chair at Starbucks, that I don't want it to go anywhere. It's going to be a stream of consciousness post. Sound good? It's not like anyone ever reads this anyway. The music in Starbucks is entirely too loud and Big Band. Like...really? This is NOT a good place for someone to be who has a hangover. I'm getting way too old to stay out drinking all night. I've been listening to 23 by Jimmy Eat World on pretty much repeat. Kind've apprehensive about turning 23. Emily looked like she had the best birthday ever. I really hope she did. She deserved it, after last year's birthday. I feel like I'm drifting away from God. I hate that feeling. I wonder if there will come a day where I will never feel that way again. My heart feels a little weary and under the weather today. I wonder if this struggle is even something I should be struggling with at all... It seems a little pointless. Maybe it will prove me wrong. I can't decide if I hope it does or doesn't. Ryan Adams still makes my heart hurt. That really pisses me the hell off. I want to be able to listen to him all the time. But I can't even make it through some songs without having to turn it off. Turn it off or drown. At least I know turning it off is the better decision, now... I mean, how long is it gonna take? It's been MONTHS. I think that I'm going to take Hadasse's advice on that one. Watch out, Ryan Adams, the next sunny/fun day I'm having, you're going to blare out of my speakers. And it's going to continue to be a damn good day. No turning you off, no drowning. I need to mail some things. I need some motivation. It's time to get out of this uncomfortable chair. We said the word comfy sooo many times lastnight. I seem sorta drunk in this post. It's sorta hilarious. Pointless. Good day to you, my faithful 6 readers!
Friday, January 22, 2010
"Hallelujah" - Bethany Dillon
Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach
I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play
And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach
I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play
And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
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