Outside of my window

is the prettiest pink and purple sunset I have seen in a while. You did it again, God. Swept me up right before I hit the ground. Made me feel so tiny and intricate in a world so big and boldly detailed. Held me there in that moment like an object that might break if you move it too fast or breathe on it too hard.

Such has been my life lately. God is fleeting. Like that sunset outside my window right now. I'll feel and hear Him just as if He was sitting right next to me, but like that sunset, its gone within a matter of minutes. I think He does this so we will be thankful for those precious minutes... but He is never far. He would never hide or stay gone for long. When I need him the most, He comes back like the Hero of the story a l w a y s does.


The past few days have been... Lets just say this lyric sums it up quite nicely: "I've never been this beautifully rescued."

It's so true. God is coming for my heart in such a real way that I can't avoid this time around. I am loving and trying to savor every single minute of it...because like I said, it isn't always beautiful moments like those.

For me, it is SO easy to get dragged back down... I will feel amazing for a few hours, then sadness hits me out of nowhere. It's a struggle. But I'm not giving up. I'm seeking God out and chasing hard after Him like He is after me. Like I said earlier, God always rescues me somehow from the sadness... the difference between these past days and the months before is that when I got sad, I gave into that sadness and those thoughts. Lately when it happens, I just pray without ceasing until I feel better... or until God sends me a sunset, or a dragonfly, or a dove. :) These things are all around us, God's little love letters, all you have to do is recognize them. And the best part about that is, they are tailor-made for your own heart. It's crazy and reassuring to know that He knows me better than I know myself.

I have been hiding away in Roan Mtn for the past week or so too... There is something about being up there that just makes me feel safe, and everything is okay when I'm there. I think it's because it's so quiet that you think the whole world has stopped for as long as you're there, and nothing bad is happening. When I'm there I feel like everything has perfectly fallen into place, but when I drive back into the city it feels like I can't breathe and I'm bombarded with deadlines and work and stressful stuff.

The other day I drove up there while it was raining and freezing. It was about 50 on top of the mountain, and the rain was cold. So I just parked my car in a spot where you could see the mountains and just journaled. I came across a bible verse I had written down from The Well months ago... but something told me to read it, so I looked it up. Here it is:

Psalm 27:5-
"For He will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high..."

how cool is that?! place me out of reach on a high rock?! That's exactly what He did... I was on Roan, and he concealed me there for sure. Thats my safe place. I love it. I just wish it were closer. But anyway, I just wanted to share that... blew my mind. I definitely knew I was in the right place at the right time. <3

I need to learn to be thankful and appreciative in happy moments, and in the sad ones too. I need to keep pressing forward and not giving into thoughts that make me backslide a million steps. That's the challenge. God is challenging me to not give up on Him... to keep chasing no matter how hard it gets. But... I will not give up. I refuse.


This journey is a journey I was meant to go on years ago. It's very overdue. I'm not running from it anymore. I am welcoming it with arms wide open.

I only have myself to blame.

We were too wasted to close the window.
Friends and family looking into my only hiding place
The rhythm of a stranger's skin.
Infidel to die for
what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me

He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

Who is he?
Why would I
hitch a ride?
I can drive.
Who is she?
Why would I
hitch a ride
When i can drive?

Somebody put me back in school, I forget everything.
I used to know how to leave the boy behind
without having to watch him go.
Infidel to die for
what I am doing
will happen in the morning when the mirror won't recognize me.

He holds a certain gesture when we're lovin' to ask each other
"Do you want it?" "Do you want me?"
I want it. It is you. You are where I want to be.

Who is he? (Circumstantial)
Why would I
hitch a ride
I can drive?
Who is she? (Circumstantial)
Why would I
hitch a ride
when i can drive?

Circumstantial
Circumstantial
Circumstantial
Circumstantial
always

It is AUGUST?

Love is when I'm lost not when I'm found

Here I lay in bed, and it just hit me out of NOWHERE... it is August?! Whaaat? Really? Where did the past 8 months go? I am seriously tripping out on the fact that it is August right now.

This is one of those nights that I embrace. My favorite kinda nights. Everything just kinda feels, right. Everything falls into place, and, sorta bittersweet, but, okay... ya know? Everything is ebbing and flowing and it is truly OK. I've been writing and humming all night long, making up melodies in my head as the night follows. I feel...strange.

These past 8 months... I feel, have been a waste. A complete waste. I didn't accomplish anything, really. I learned a HARD lesson to learn. But, other than that, I feel like these past 8 months have been a huge blur. Did I freeze in time for a few months or what? I can't wrap my mind around it. It feels like just yesterday I was celebrating New Years, and in 4 short months I will be celebrating another. People change, time flies, relationships end, friendships end....but they start too. It's all so insane to me, how this process of letting go and starting over works. It's painful, but its beautiful. Only this time, this process has been much quicker for me than last time. I still feel weird thinking about how everything that seemed so right was taken for something...more right? Most days I choose to think about something else. But tonight, I need to sort it out. Stars are out, inside my head...

2007/2008 felt like it took 5 years to heal. Does this get easier, or harder? In some ways harder, in some ways easier.

The best thing is, God knows exactly what I need... And He'll try His hardest to make it that way for me, if I cooperate (and a LOT of times I dont) haha. That gives me a weightless feeling. Knowing that He is all knowing, and His timing is perfect... and He's got this, He really does. It may not be the way I want it to happen or even when I want it to happen, but it will all fall together perfectly. I believe that God will put it in front of you over and over again, what you do with it... is your free will. But it is there, the chance to jump is always there. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. Friendships, job opportunities... Anything in life.

I'm SO stoked for fall... And earlier today I realized that I will have long hair for fall/winter. :)! I can't wait to wrap up in huge warm sweaters again. Fall has always brought me a sense of renewal, nostalgia, and opportunity. I hate the word opportunity... Chance? Eh, like it, but, not the word I'm looking for.

My mind and heart are seriously 2 big whirlwinds of emotions tonight.

This is true,

No time to talk. Actually, thats not true. Just no motivation/desire to write about whats going on right now... But this song is eluding me right now. I can't stop listening to it, the words and music flow perfectly. But the lyrics are one of the best I've read in a while. Plus, I went for a drive the other day just to clear my head... I was praying and just trying to listen to God and this song came on :)

Forgiven - Deb Talan

You worry on

hurting anybody anymore
You worry on
small comfort
One of us seems not to tremble
You make a rift inside me
every day
That you choose to stay
I walk the edge and
push it wider

You are forgiven
I open all my doors
You are forgiven
What a heart is for
I am no martyr
You give me reason
I try harder
and I wait
for a warmer season
Meanwhile,
You are
forgiven

I hear a soft noise like a sigh,
A singing
like a lullaby
It is my heart
It is this wind
that blows through,
Where you held me closer,
Where we whisper
This is
this is true

You are forgiven
I open all my doors
You are forgiven
What a heart is for
I am no martyr
You give me reason
I try harder
And I wait
for a warmer season
Meanwhile,
You are
forgiven

And it's time
to go
I cannot stay
You cannot know
My love
So dear
Will it be faith
or fear?

You are forgiven
open all my doors
You are forgiven
What a heart is for
I am no martyr
You give me reason
I try harder
And I wait
for a warmer season
Meanwhile,
You are
forgiven

You are
Forgiven

Take it from me.

Are you ready to leave?

What if I'm not ready for you to?


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .<3


Tonight is hard for some reason. It all just kind've hit me like MORE than a ton of bricks. It's like I k n o w, but I don't completely k n o w all the way. I'm kinda caught in a limbo. I'm kinda just being retarded. I have days that are so incredibly humbling and relieving and comforting. and then there are the hard nights... they are few and far between though. Reality is I have a handful of kickass friends and an incredible family. I keep my mind on that most of the time, but I gaze off into the what if's sometimes too, and thats what gets me...here.

I'm gonna go to bed. Early mornin' with lotsss o' stuff to do tomorrow before work at 5!

Just bloggin' in the dark.

SO. hey! i bought myself a brand spankin' new computer today and here I am... finally returning to the blog world!

There is a LOT to write about... but unfortunately no time. I leave for Georgia in t-minus 5 hours! Ugh. Even typing that makes me feel like an idiot for still being up.

So, raincheck on the update? Even though I only have FIVE followers?? :)

Goodnight world.

"But these kinds of stories have heroes to find, so you make it past your past."

Devotion.

Alright, so... the reason why I started this whole blog was mainly to do devotions and such, NOT to whine about pointless crap, and as I've been reading through my past few entries, that is exactly what I've done. haha. leave it to me to go COMPELTELY off track.

Anyway. So today, has been a pretty good day so far... it's nice outside. and Palm Reader by 3eb is slowly but surely becoming my favorite song to drive to with the windows down. I figured maybe doing a little devotion would make my heart a little lighter, and help the day get better. Sooo here we go!

This devotion is EXACTLY what I need to write about.

Living Without Regret

"Many people stay trapped in the past. There is only one thing that can be done about the past, and that is forget it. When we make mistakes, as we all do, the only thing we can do is ask God's forgiveness and go on. Like Paul, we are all pressing toward the mark of perfection, but none of us has arrived. I spent many years hating myself for each of my failures. I had not yet learned that God was pleased with JUST my faith. In Hebrews 11:6 we read, "But without faith it is impossible to be pleasing to Him." Even when we make mistakes and waste precious time as a result of those mistakes, being upset when we could be enjoying life, it is useless to continue being miserable for an extended period of time because of the original mistake. Two wrongs never make anything right. If you made a mistake twenty years ago or ten minutes ago, there is still nothing you can do about it except ask for forgiveness, receive it, forget the past, and go on. There may be some restitution you can make to an individual you hurtl; and if that is the case, by all means do so. But the bottom line is that you still must let go of the past in order to grasp the future. Until you do so, you will not enjoy life the way God intended."


Hmmm, yeah... that definitely hit home. Recently I made a mistake, that I thought I had learned and dealt with two years ago. But apparently, I didn't learn my lesson then, so I partially screwed up something wonderful by making the same mistake. Youve gotta learn somehow. Two wrongs may not make a right, but two learned mistakes in a row definitely do... haha. But the past few weeks, a month even, Ive been beating myself up for what Ive done wrong and what I couldve done to make it right. But, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now. That time is gone and unfortunately will never come back again. All I can do is learn, and REALLY learn this time, and not make the same mistake again next time.

All day I run through my mind the possibilities and scenarios that could make it different, but thats just not how it works. You'll drive yourself insane doing that. That's not what God wants me to be doing at all... He wants me to be pressing forward, learning from that mistake and not worrying myself with whats gonna happen/what couldve happened. He's got that all under control anyway. His plans will always prevail no matter what story I make up in my head.

My distrust of people does not root from people themselves... It roots from my distrust in God. Why that is, I have no idea. I was talking with a friend a few days ago and she said "you dont trust Gods creation, because you dont trust the Maker..." I was like, holy crap...
she's right. Its true. It felt like I had just taken a bullet. Imagining how it made God feel that I just straight up dont trust Him... If i did, I'd not try to take things into my control so much. Id not question, assume, accuse... id let everything just simply be and KNOW and TRUST that it will allllll work out, the way its supposed to. no matter what! no matter what suspicions are in my head. Man. What a revolutionary discovery.

So, there you have it. My heart on a... blog. haha. I am no good at holding things in. It feels better to write it all out. I hope that you guys can take something from this too.

And Jeremiah 29:11.... "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "
man, what a promise. that He has plans for me, for a future... not to harm me. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. All I've gotta do is keep my faith, even just a little, even at times when it seems impossible... because God is sovereign and will always come through for me. And He has been. He's been so precious to me these past few days... making me feel SUPER loved by little things He's surrounded me by. I know the road of trusting completely isnt gonna be easy, but I've gotta get there somehow... What kinda life would I be missing out on if I didnt?

When you love, you never lose.

Trust.

And let things happen, naturally, the way they are supposed to.

Don't rush anything.

God has His perfect timing.

<3, Bonn.



<3, Bonn

.

It's 1:16am. Creeping up into the wee hours of the morning.

I have a few reasons not to smile, but more reasons to smile than to not. So why is it so damn hard? I have school in less than 9 hours and here I am... sitting up, my head filled with thoughts that don't belong to me anymore. I wonder how many times this will happen, how many times I will go through heartbreak.

I am so blessed. With amazing friends, and family... I have a roof over my head. I don't starve. I have a car. I don't have a job, but that is my own fault.

I hear and see things. Bad things that happen to other people... I immediately realize how lucky I am and cheer up. Then a few hours later, I can't trudge my way out of the darkness. Happy, sad, happy, sad. I feel like I felt two years ago. Just not as bad...yet. Why the hell do I get so attached...so easily? I thought I defeated this thing.

...and all I can seem to think about is who is sleeping beside of him, and why I am not there. Pathetic. Selfish, even.

I hate being me sometimes. I hate having such a huge heart and having such a huge ache to love someone and to be loved. Isn't God enough? Why can't you be here God? Why can't you be in human form... This would make this process much easier.

Move on. Easier said than done.

Now, I'm going to toss and turn for 2 hours restlessly until I fall asleep. Goodnight.

my favorite scene.

Clementine: Joely?

Joel: Yeah Tangerine?

Clementine: Am I ugly?

Joel: Uh-uh.

Clementine: When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.

Joel: [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.

Clementine: Joely, don't ever leave me.

Joel: You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...

cars and telephones

Because I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my head makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm going to drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying, "Hurry, don't be late"
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

But fuck it, I love you no less
I'm going to feel like shit
By the time I get to you
Now the sky is turning blue
The stars, they disappear
One by one with daylight, dear
And yes, you're in my head
But that doesn't make you here
And I've lost all my friends
But you're the one I miss the most
And now I'm almost there
Yeah, I'm almost to the coast
And if I had any notion
Of how to drive my car across the Atlantic Ocean
I'd be fucking set

Bonnie Parker: I don't have no mama. No family either.

Clyde Barrow: Hey, I'm your family.

Bonnie Parker: You know what, when we started out, I thought we was really goin' somewhere. This is it. We're just goin', huh?


Clyde Barrow: I love you.

----------------

Clyde Barrow: You know what you done there? You told my story, you told my whole story right there, right there. One time, I told you I was gonna make you somebody. That's what you done for me. You made me somebody they're gonna remember.

Clyde Barrow: Alright. Alright. If all you want's a stud service, you get on back to West Dallas and you stay there the rest of your life. You're worth more than that. A lot more than that. You know it and that's why you come along with me. You could find a lover boy on every damn corner in town. It don't make a damn to them whether you're waitin' on tables or pickin' cotton, but it does make a damn to me.


Bonnie Parker: Why?

Clyde Barrow: Why? What's you mean, "Why?" Because you're different, that's why. You know, you're like me. You want different things. You got somethin' better than bein' a waitress. You and me travelin' together, we could cut a path clean across this state and Kansas and Missouri and Oklahoma and everybody'd know about it. You listen to me, Miss Bonnie Parker. You listen to me.

Its not supposed to hurt this bad. I'd give anything to make it j u s t s t o p.

How did we get here?

Is this a dream?

Somebody pinch me.

So over pointless pain.

thank You so much for the sunshine today, Lord... And for realization, no matter how painful it may be.

OH, and for 3eb... And red hair.

That is all.

P.S.- anyone and everyone should listen to Lullaby - Dixie Chicks.

You give me crazy love and you whisper, you've got a bottle and nobody that you're missin.

Drinkin' and hangin' tonight. Who's down?

God, please hold my heart. Hold it tight.

Killians pitchers for 4.50?
Dwight Yokam??

Don't mind if I do.

Tom Petty?
Bzzzzzzzz'n in Boone.

when i let you closer, i only want you closer.

I can't wait until suzanne pulls up... The thought that's going to run across her mind is "wtf?!..." when she sees what I'm wearing to Boone. Hahaha. She and I have diff opinions on what looks good and, well...what doesn't. Obviously I am on the "what doesn't" end of the spectrum today.

Sometimes laying down in the floor beside my stereo, listening to my favorite cd, is the best thing in the world.

Anyone else think about why when we run our hands over our own skin...it doesn't feel the same as when someone else does it? I think that sucks. That just feeds that ache to have someone. God did make us to love and to be loved. Clever trick, God.

And in this background, the colors change... From green to blue, from blue to purple... Purple to red, and in my head... <3


Good thing I called shotgun on the way to Boone... I get kinda carsick when I ride on curvy backroads in the back seat.

Ahhh... Iron and wine... <3

Suzs parents are outta town for a whole week. Dance parties galore and lots o' sex and the city nightie nights. Cupcakes and cookies and bubble baths. Retrospect.

"I heard from someone you're still pretty, and then they went onto say..."

Ewwww jacob stole shotgun. I hope I puke all over him.
Bahahaha we are making him listen to mates of state. And I got the front seat! I win.

All the troubles that are changin' this place, I can look at you feel connection. When I think, my head spins round and round, and I know, ill never find a reason to hurt you. When we kiss, I see stars up all around, and i miss that, I know that we'll get through it, let's do it.

<3 i thought you'd come and go, I never thought you would stay, and I'm sorry if I tried to push you away <3


Mmmmjimmyeatworld!

Who wants to go to the Carter fold?

Man.. Just drivin through NC to boone and seeing the baby christmas tree farms makes me crave a family. There's something about mtns that just does it for me... I'm still way young to be contemplating a family but I really hope its in the plans for me. I just want to be a killer mom... And wife. That's definitely what I'm here for. Home cooked meals and fireplaces. Sittin on wrap around front porches pickin a guitar and drinkin homemade sweet tea that's BETTER than any other.... Layin on a hammock. My hubby and me layin our heads down at night to talk about the day and just love on each other. Bedtime stories and a huge yard to play in. Man. I want it NOW.


Peace.

P.S.

Someone please take me to see a movie at the old theatre in downtown Asheville...

I LOVE old theatres.

<3

white fingernails?

So. Its a friday night and I'm home alone. I know I know, you're so jealous... I'm having SUCH a kickass time.

I'm about to go to wally world and buy somethings gotta give. I neeeeed to see that movie again like I need a glass of sweet tea. SHEW.

I want a dance party. Stat. I wish pam and dad were outta town so I could blare cheesy rap music and have my very own Chrome right here, boiiii.

But I really wanna just slow dance.... Sigh.

Gahhh I'm going stir crazy!! I need another trip to asheville... But this time I'm pretty sure we should go at a decent hour when downtown is actually open.

EVEN dad and pam are out havin a good time.
Maybe I will just take a tylenol PM and peace out.

!

Mandy Moore...

And

Ryan Adams...

Are...

-GULP-

ENGAGED?!?!

God, where is the silver lining in that!? I thought -I- was supposed to marry Ryan Adams??

Sigh.

Ryan Adams should clone himself and give Mandy the clone and let me keep the real deal.

Mandy better keep a close watch on her man, cause I will be seeing him in just a couple weeks. Muahahah.

I'm tiiiiired and bein' silly. Goodnight. :)

t h o u g h t . b u b b l e s

Today is a repeat of a day in around September, almost three years ago. I woke up and felt the exact same as I did on that fall day. I would never wish that upon anyone.

So, this post will be about anything, and everything that runs through my mind. I need to write... and the quickness of the keys sound more pleasant than writing on paper would be.

Let's talk about World Lit class. This is a class that I've skipped... about 3 times in a row. Grade A student, lemme tell ya. I never do the reading assignments and we always have what he likes to call, 'go arounds'... these go arounds consist of questions that normally I wouldnt have a CLUE as to what the answer was... But I sit somewhere in the middle of the class so I gain an answer by the time it gets to me. Anyway, my mind was wandering as always... and I started to think about the diversity of people in that class. I am a people-watcher for sure if nothing else.

the guy who always comes in late, wears a leather jacket and has an unruuuuly beard. i mean its outta control. the sweet girl who never looks up from her book when she's asked a question. then there's the guy that sits in the front row, who is the only person who answers when the teach asks a question. except sometimes the dude sitting beside of me pipes up and actually has some wise insight. then there's the man that sits besides me who, no joke, is identical to morgan freeman. i wish i could take a picture and post it.. it's creepy how much they look alike. and the quiet girl who sits on the other side of him, who has good conversation with him in the few minutes before class starts. then there's the woman... who has beautiful red hair, who has souch a slow southern draw, thinks its completely and absolutely eve's fault that adam ate the apple. she is my favorite. then there's the teach; northern, independent as hell, doesn't like to be bothered by his wife to get a loaf of bread when he's fly fishing for God's sakes.

We were asked today, on our daily 'go around'... if we would like to just live in the mtns, get away from society. Yes please?! Where do I sign up?? I was surprised at some people's answers... saying no because they would miss their cell phones. sheesh. I wanna live in the mtns, learn to play the banjo, sing my heart out to God all day, everyday... that seems perfect to me. Sure, it'd be a challenge. Who doesn't like a challenge? According to the guy who broke his ankle snowboarding, he's up for the challenge too.

Then we started talking about Chinese culture... and how 'turtle-head' is like the ULTIMATE insult. TURTLE-HEAD?! thats hilarious. 'God, you're SUCH a turtle-head! Stop being a turtle-head...' hahahah I love it. I remember when Kaylie, Zac and I 'turtle-headed' Marcos at the gas station! hahahah it was SO funny. Oh, to go back to that night.
p.s. 'turtle-headed' means just up and leavin someone somewhere. Youre like 'nah... i'll just stay in the car, grab me a water while you're at it'
then... BAM. they walk out and they have no idea where their ride is.
It's only mean if you don't return to pick them up. :)

God, I need a pink and purple sunset today... or sometime soon... Please do that for me.

I have to keep talking... if I don't talk, I think. I don't wanna think right now...not yet. I'll hide a little longer in this blog post.

Lastnight was the first time I had a real, intimate, personal conversation with my father. I regret that I have not included him on more aspects of my life. He was more honest with me than ANYONE has ever been before. He spoke from the places that he has hidden from me, from everyone, for so long. He cried, I cried... It was beautiful. Ive never had a conversation so real. I hope that he knows I appreciate everything he does for me. I couldn't ask for a better hard-working, providing, rock of a dad. I want my husband to be everything that he is, nothing less.

My mother, ohh my mother. I love you. I know you're reading this... and you're probably sick at your stomach from that last paragraph. You are crazy. I love that I have your stories and your examples to learn from and grow into a woman from. I miss you... I hope to God that I can come see you and Shawn-Michael soon. He is my escape and I want nothing more than to swing him on a swingset right this very moment. I would be completely happy, with nothing to think about but how blessed I am.

Can someone tell me WHY every damn guy thats tall, that has long hair, thats slighty dark skinned, has beautiful hands?!
What was God thinking when he made that breed? Really?? God, why would you do that to a girl?! There is a dude in the comp lab right now with all of these features and it is making me sick to my stomach.

I'm going to the dam after school today. I need to get my thoughts gathered, and straightened out... and honestly, I just need to sit in God's beauty. I think the dam is one of the best ways Tennessee represents its and God's beauty. My heart is very, very shaky today. I just hope I don't have to go back to the doctor.

Well, this is all I've got for now. I'll be writing tons more considering myspace and I are taking a break.

Good day.

Promises.

I am no longer...
going to worry my heart about things that are out of my control, and GLADLY out of my control, otherwise I would tear them down in a heartbeat. That's a scary thought. My heart is way too delicate and precious for the ridiculous worries I throw on it every day and night. I woke up this morning and felt...different. I can't promise that this renewing feeling will last, at least for more than a day... because honestly, I know who/how I am. I know that I want to continue feeling this way, but... will I have the strength and willpower to do it? We shall see.

The title of this blog is promises, because... God promises that if we believe in Him, have faith in Him, and hold onto Him... He will do amazing things in our lives that we cannot even fathom why, how when where whatever, you get the point. WHY is it SO hard to do that? To just trust, in something bigger than yourself... to hold onto truth that has proven itself to me SO many times now? How many more miracles do I need? I am so selfish.

I wanna really trust this time. Really believe. Really fall...into whatever it is that I feel is worth it, without hesitation. I wanna really do it. not just think/talk about it. Just jump... that used to be my motto. What happened? I'm just scared and full of fear. That's what it is... But fear and worry are no good in Jesus' book. Just trust and love, without hesitation, everything else will work out... So what if you get your heart broken? Jesus went through many heartbreaks. Who am I to limit myself to just two? Ugh. I am sure there are many more ahead...not just relational either. That is what will ground me. I can let it break me, and miss out on life.. or I can take the good WITH the bad.. and just jump. again. and again and again and again.

It all comes down to this. Brittani is wreckless as all get out with her heart, but she doesn't trust either. How that works... no one knows. haha. I'm a strange girl. and this story has been told way too many times... time to actually put worth behind the word and do it.

In or out.

All or nothing.

until next time, enjoy some ryan adams lyrics and...stay warm <3

"This Is It"
Let me sing a song for you
That's never been sung before
All the words were meant for you
And never been said before
I kiss her when she sleeps
I kiss her when she's sleeping
Let me sing a song for you
A song that's worth the dreaming

Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening

What's the use in marigolds
These flowers are for you
All the lights go after burn
The sky it splits in two
I kiss her on her teeth
I kiss her on her teeth, hmm
Let me sing a song for you that alters your belief

Don't waste my time
This is it
This is really happening

Love her in the ways you want to be loved.

God, can I please have someone think this way about me one day?



Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to
but I never know when I'm done
And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other

Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you

I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned but
You're passed do you understand
Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
"Hey oh well whatever"
But that's not what I mean
When where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight you know I'll never win

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun

Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but I didn't give up on you
Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no He is born again and it's not easy being me
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden we're stolen manners
In the days when we were one

So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you I'm blinded


why do I continue to do things when it's so obvious I'm being taken for granted? Damn you, heart.

Warm Whispers

Hello. First thing's first... rant.

I get into my car this morning and do the usual... start it and turn the heat on 4, on defrost so it will warm up before i turn it on body or feet. I usually wait til I get to the interstate to turn it on body/feet so it will be almost hot. Is that weird? Anyway... I get on the interstate and switch it to body/feet, and its ICE cold. Hmm.. I didnt think anything of it at first... but then I noticed that the little needle on my thermometer/whatever its called, went WAY past the red... I immediately think wtf? and call my dad. So he goes about being a daddy telling me to pull over so he can come save me. I'm almost to school so I just keep on going... then my check engine light comes and I start hearing this screeching noise. hahaha. man oh man. So I truck it to school then park. As soon as I turn off my engine... theres like a cloud of smoke all around me and my car. hahaha SO embarrassing. I just stayed in my car until it stopped pouring smoke because I didn't wanna get out and start walking towards the building and everyone stop me and be like, "hey you know your cars smoking?"

Ugh. ohhh, life. Sometimes I just wanna punch you in the face.

Nothing could shake this bad mood... not even praying. I was NOT about to have another bad day. So I strain to pay attn in World Lit, then walk out the door to see Suz and Jonathan standing there. What a relief. I immediately start pouring my heart out to poor little Suz... haha she must hate her life sometimes when I do that crap. Anyway, Jonathan(best gay friend in the WORLD) and his bright attitude and hilariousness always makes me feel better...but I wasn't banking on it. So we start getting into this convo about if we can touch the ground without bending our knees. Little did I know, that stupid conversation turned my whole day around. Lame, youre thinking, but its completely the little things that make my day. Completely.

So here I am now, listening to Warm Whispers... it makes my heart warm. I miss Jesse. bigtime.

I am anticipating Ashton getting her little but here so we can eat at Subway! I'm hungrrrry. Then I get to have a dinner date with H later in JC... so looking forward to that. She is the only thing that kept me sane lastnight.

I really want God to come through for me with this. I know that He will if I just give it all to Him and STOP WORRYING about things that are out of my control. If it happens, worry about it then... worrying about it now will only MAKE it happen, and make things stagnant. I'm just trying to keep faith the size of a mustard seed, because He promised that if I do... great things will come. Shew.

Suzanne... FINISH captivating! I neeeeed to read it...again! for the fifth time! hahaha.

I'm sorry for the selfishness of this post. I just needed to get all of it out... Shew. I feel a little better. Here's to staying positive.

i n s p i r a t i o n :

Things I LOVE:

-when the mountains blend in with the clouds because they are snow covered

-being thoughtful

-when Ashton offers to drive my tea in her car back to NE so i won't make yet another sticky mess of myself

-how February makes me feel

-valentine's day

-SOME mainstream. i can't lie.... mainly breakin' dishes, run baby run, and the great escape. who doesn't like a feel good song?! i sure do.

-my new FAVORITE picture i found in national geographic today. oh.man. i'm trying to figure out how to scan it. seriously. it embodies everything my heart desires.

-the mean ass, yet CUTEST dog in the world living next door. looks like a baby chow... but he won't let me even get close to him. :(

-having red hair. can't wait til it fades to lighter.

-dancing til my muscles burn

-LIL WAYNE... THAT i am not ashamed to admit. i know you all are closet lil wayne fans.

-how my dad shows me unending grace everyday of my life

-when God comes through for me, just like He promises

-how H can ALWAYS bring me back to a chill equilibrium, thinking that everything will be oookay.

-when birds chirp in the mornings outside my window

-when dad leaves 2 rolls of toilet paper sitting beside my door! haha

-the guys that always wear the silly statue of libery costumes that wave at everyone when they pass by... anyone else notice that its ALWAYS guys?! i especially love it when they wear ski masks with it! hahah so great.

-belly laughs... i mean REAL belly laughs... that deep hearted laugh that you can't control

-northern accents... i gotta quartah for my daughtah

-REALLY southern accents

-knowing every word to tila tequila's "fck ya man".... WOOOOPS!

-cheddar's philly cheesesteaks...mmm

-just hangin out in pjs cuddlin' up watchin a good movie

-roan mtn

-caaaamping. summerrrr. :(

-DRESSES... either with bare feet or cowboy boots. nothin' else.

-the bachelor! gahhh my guilty pleasure.

-a good story... especially from older people

-black churches

-tickle. zone.

-elizabethtown

-blankets... tons and tons of blankets. preferrably a blanket fort.

-a good & warm wine buzz

-hearing someone play a banjo

-bubble baths

-surprises

-mixed cds

-calla lillies... REAL ones. hahaha. its ok suz, i still love the fake ones you got me!

-green tea

-eye contact...for more than 2 seconds

-shoulder kisses

-when boys are boys

-first and middle names

-forehead kisses

-the kind of hope that fills my heart everytime i see an older couple. anywhere.

-sitting on the SAME side of the booth <3>

-how my dad is such a gentleman with my stepmom

-how my mom teaches me lessons every single day of my life

-goodGODryanadams

-the song 'lovers waltz' by aa bondy

-being your girl

-you being my love

-pillow talk

-authenticity

-when i smile at a stranger...and they smile back

-old friends coming back into my life

-slow dancing... been way too long. waytoolong.

-slow dancing, in the kitchen. perfect.

-home cooked meals -learning to cook

-anticipating spring

-and lastly but definitely not least, the end of cherry lane when he starts singing "i could never get close enough to you" mmmm.

.....feels so good, but damn it makes me hurt. <3

Hello, clarity.

First of all... Let me just tell you how I am freaking out, blog.


I have a color wheel due today at 12pm, which is not finished... This would be my own fault considering I FORGOT that I left my paint sheets in suzannes car. I've been trying to get in touch with Suz but she has mono, therefore she is sleeping like a bebe. :( Which makes me sad, for suzanne, and myself... because I will not have a color wheel for my teacher today, and because she is still sick. Ugh. to go to class, or not go to class... that is the question.


Secondly, and most importantly... I feel as if I've found out a secret today. A secret crucial and so essential to my life... which, most of you will think, is a no brainer.


I did something I've been meaning to do for so so long now, but never found/made the time to do. I talked to God this morning... not just talked, reeeally talked. I mean, poured out kinda talk... and I found that, dun dun dun, it gave me the strongest sense of clarity that I've ever had. *sigh* what have I been missing out on, all this time? Talking to God in the mornings gets me ready for my day in more ways than one. It puts whats most important in the front of my mind... shew. I'm such a dumb girl sometimes. but anyway, that's my new obsession... I wanna start getting up earlier to actually spend time in scripture. *crosses fingers* Here's to hopin' that happens. No, actually... here's to MAKING that happen, no matter what.


So, I finished Blue Like Jazz last night... and it blew me away. The end really packs a punch. I looove the endings of books like that, because the last chapter is like a crazy good summary of the whole book. The ending of Captivating I could read over and over again everyday. It's that good. shew... Now I need a new book to read. Actually, I should probably just re-read Cold Tangerines. That book makes me smile everytime I open and close it. But Blue Like Jazz, is such a great book for people to read... It gives such a, errr, what is the word I'm looking for... ew. I'll settle for likeable. It gives such a likeable approach to Christianity. Its not a, here's what you're doing wrong, here's 10 ways to fix it kinda book. It's a book that just so personable and relateable. The ideas represented are ideas that everyday boys and girls can relate to/resonate with. He really breaks it down and makes it approachable. Donald Miller keeps it simple... like it should be. There's my book review for today, and I don't even think it was a very good one... anyway. I used a lot of 'able' words in that. hahaha.




one hour and 20 minutes until class... still haven't decided what to do.





Communication is key... to everything. I'm realizing that more and more everyday thanks to you. The sun shines brighter and bigger than before, and everything is just so enhanced. so blessed.





I wish I wouldve brought my headphones, so I could be listening to music to ease my mind. Mannn. I always say I'm gonna remember right before I fall asleep. haha but I never do... I also had this great idea to throw a poptart in the toaster and fill a thermos up with milk before coming to school so I could have my breakfast on the way. That didn't happen either...

I would do anything to see Ryan Adams... and I mean, ANYTHING. ugh. Maybe I could ask dad for an eeearly birthday present?! haha 2 months 2 early... no big deal, right?! :) I would probably freak out and cry like I did when I saw Copeland, better yet when I met Aaron Marsh. Then it was excuseable though because I was like 17... now I'm 21 and I'd probably, definitely do the same! haha he's just so great...man.

I had a date with Jesus lastnight, and this is what it looked like:






laugh all you want. baths are my escape. for real.... they are another example of when I gain clarity. lastnight I just chilled in the dark, with 12 candles that didnt have enough wax to be burning, and I just let it all pour out to God... Its so so rewarding when you know and feel that He is listening. after that bath, I havent felt that good/beautiful/sure/ready in weeks.
what's your escape?






I need Sarah here to do my bump! I need to get bumped. I need to bump it up. bump it out. yaknow, whatever.

Ok. This is just rambling... shew. Sorryyyy if you were looking for something lifechanging. haha.
I hope you're smiling.



color wheels & clarity,
Brittani

Don't worry your mind.

Hi.

hmmm... this is kind of odd, this whole saying hello to a new blogging site. I've had a livejournal, a xanga... and now this. I feel like I might be kind of betraying my xanga, even though I never write in it.

Welcome to my first blog on this site! So exciting, I know... I'm actually pumped to start writing online again. Something seems a little creepy about that, writing your life out for friends, and even strangers, to read... Something a little scandalous. I'll go with it.

Life is all but bad for miss Brittani as of late... New people, new friends, old friends coming back again, fallouts, makeups, new semesters, rearranging and changing. I've come to find that I strangely have grown to like c h a n g e. I used to HATE change. I liked staying the same... that comfortable sense of everything staying rightwhereitis. But change, has brought newness into my life... a newness that, I had almost lost hope on.

Something relevant and universal: worry. Ew...I even loathe typing the word. How did I get to the point where I let this wimpy little five letter word ruin my life?! I like to think worry is genetic. My dad is a worry wart... worry this, and worry this. worry where, and worry when? Ugh. Lately, I have been not worrying AS much... I've been making it a point to NOT worry. Everytime I start to worry, I usually catch myself and get back on the positivity train. But the past few days, this wimpy five letter word has turned into a giant warrior that I can't rid.

Jesus warns about worry, or dare I say fear... and how it gives the devil a foothold all throughout the bible. "Do not worry..." "Do not give way to fear..."
Matthew 21:21-- Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. 22If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Something in that verse makes my heart sigh, makes it sink back into comfort. But doing what this verse says, takes work... all too much practice for a weary 21 yr old college student at times. If only I could see how much worth, how much p r o m i s e it has. It seems to me that if I could just start thinking that way... get the ball rolling, it will become easy to me. It still hasn't. The past 2 days I have sunk into that worrying mindset... now I'm having to drag myself out... again. But the grace and the solace of God, is good... and real. and available. and that's what helps me make it through these all but easy days. Knowing that everything God is doing in my life, has a purpose... a bigger purpose that maybe I can't see right now. But it's ALL for good. all of it.

...I get off subject a lot when I blog. so sue me.

My FAVORITE verse when it comes to dealing with stuff like this... "Whatever is not from faith, is sin." -Romans 14:23

I wrote a blog about this verse on myspace... I made a list of things that I was to do by faith alone. Did I do most of them? No... I need to pull that list back up and re-evaluate. I beat myself up far too much for my own good sometimes... People backslide, and forget, and slipup... but ahh, there it comes again... g r a c e. :)

Anyyyway... Back to Romans 14:23. This verse brings SO much clarity to my life on this very day. Being vulnerable to someone who deserves that and more, is from faith. Being brave in an uncomfortable situation, is from faith. Speaking your mind even when your voice shakes, is from faith. Its that kinda faith I want back in my life. I fell off that horse again. It's time to saddle up... be a brave woman of Christ and step out into the unknown, with both feet... not just halfway in. Closing yourself off to anything/anyone has nothing to do with faith... that's selfishness. You can't just close up because something bad happened to you, or because someone broke your heart before. It's all about the bigger picture. There are far too many kind hearts out there who want to prove to you otherwise... if you let them. I don't want to be selfish. I want to leave my heart wide open for someone who will tend to it like their favorite garden. I don't want to miss out because of my selfishness. Jesus did not close himself off to people in general after a few did him wrong continually. And I know, we are not Jesus... but we should try to live with that same humility, childlikeness, and FAITH.

.I.don't.want.to.miss.out.

better yet,

.I.refuse.to.

Thank you God, for making yourself more real to me than I have seen You in the past few months... Thank you for proving me wrong, and letting me be right every once in a while. Thank You for newness, happiness, warmth, joy, embarrassment, growth.

P.s. whatever brave soul has read to this far... I apologize for the randomness of this entry. I just type what's going through my head... Stream of consciousness writing. haha leave it to me to be as difficult as possible.

I just have to keep remembering... "The King is enthralled by your beauty." -psalm 45:11

Herrrrreee we go!